When I don't have the words...

I'm glad someone else did.

"Night breaks.
My heart could not ache anymore.
Am I that easy to ignore?"
--Sixpence

"I don't need anyone.
I don't need anyone.
I don't need anyone to tell me what to feel.
I don't need anyone.
I don't need anyone.
I don't need anyone to hate the world with me."
--Catch 22

"Faded memories ignored,
I crawl across the forest floor.
Pool reflects an orphan child.
Lost, afraid, alone, and wild.
Fatherless and nameless still.
Empty heart and broken.
Will there ever be a place where I belong?

I cower 'neath the monster trees.
I try to stand on tired feet.
Gravity knocks me to the ground.
Where I give up,
Tears roll down.
I claw the dust and beg the end.
Curse the day that I began
To hope there'd be a place where I belong."
--Chris Rice

The Ring

Take a look at the gorgeous ring that my gorgeous fiance got me!

Riddle of the Day

Q. What starts at 7:00 am, tastes like chocolate, but looks like diamonds?

A. A new engagement, Billy and Sarah style.

Yes...for all you who I've been gushing to lately about the amazing man who stole my heart, you can now erupt with me in a long series of applause, screams and (if you're Amanda) "ow, ow"s.

It all started at 7:00. From my bed, I heard an obnoxious sound outside my window. It sound like a dying bear, one that was choking on his recently blessed meal of atheist hiker. I knew immediately that it was actually my knight in his noble steed we call a car. He was exhausted because he couldn't sleep the night before. So, being the considerate girlfriend that I am, I made my love some coffee.

Eve-Marie and I have this advent calendar that we eat chocolate from every day. Yesterday, I offered for Billy to share the candy, but alas! when I opened the box, there was none to be found. A piece of folded paper lay where my dark heaven on earth was supposed to be. I began to curse Starbucks for failing me in my chocolate void. I opened the paper and read the following:

"Sarah, Where's your chocolate? Perhaps in the A: drive of your computer."

What followed was a rigamarole of clues and laughter, mingled, admittedly, with annoyance. Finally, I was directed back to the calendar to look in the box for Christmas Eve. Still no chocolate. Rather, it was carats.

Billy bent to one knee, told me he loves me with all his heart, and asked me to marry him. I nodded.

Chocolate never tasted so good.

w00t!

Score, dood! Seriously. I feel so freakin responsible right now. I totally just did a bunch of work when I was suppossed to. That hasn't happened in....man....forever, basically.

Dewd...do I rawk or what????? ^_^

Forever

Seems like too long since I posted, and I guess it has been almost 2 weeks. These last weeks have been hectic, but also very good.

The end is near, and boi! am I thrilled. It's exciting to see all the work of the semester come together. Like I had this one students who's having a hard time on his last essay, and it was awesome cause I got to praise his hard work up till now. Like, he only needs about a 50% on that essay to pass the class because he worked so hard all semester up till now. He's been putting effort in, and it's nice to see how it actually is rewarding. Then, I have some other students who don't have to take their final because they've earned an "A." So, I don't know. It's just nice to see how it's all coming to completion and how most of my students are getting the point. Some still aren't, and I feel like I failed, but I can't make students learn. I can't make them sit and do their assignments outside of class or make them print it out and bring it. Still, I feel sometimes like I failed to motivate or something.

But Christmas break is coming, and that rawks. I hope to be able to find the money somewhere to dye my hair the fun ways I don't feel are appropriate for teaching. And I'm looking forward to being with Eve and doing things around the house without thinking about the papers that still need grading. Things hanging over my head = mad insanity. I'm looking forward to spending time every day making myself work on getting prepared for school so I'm not so far behind like I was this semester.

I'm looking forward to Christmas Eve at my parents' with a new guest this year. I'm looking forward to Epiphany in Michigan. I'm looking forward to Billy's birthday cause I got him a rawkin present that he'll absolutely adore. Yeah...Christmas break should be good.

And I probably won't write on here again until it starts cause that's just not a responsible thing to do with all the stuff that I have to do for school in the meantime.

Like right now...I need to grade some papers.

I'm out.

God is Good

I had an awesome day today. In part...in large part...due to meeting with a friend to discuss the intricacies of childrearing, relationships, and blessings. We looked at Psalm 37, and I have found a good rival to Matthew 5-7 for my favorite passage. Psalm 37 talks about the benefit of following God, trusting in Him, and remaining faithful in the midst of evil surroundings. It is really a beautiful poem and very encouraging. So, I am reminded that God is good.

Yesterday, I was not having a great day. I was upset over my own personal weaknesses, but today, I was reminded that "Though I may fall, I will not be utterly cast down, for I am in the hands of the Lord." It's hard for me to admit that it's okay to screw up. It's probably even harder for me to admit that the only reason I don't think it's okay is that I'm full of too much pride. But I've come to a point where I realize that my pride is benefitting no one. When I admit my weakness, this is when God can show his strength through me. And God has been showing off lately.

One of the biggest ways, in case no one could tell from previous posts, is just in how things with Billy are transpiring. He is an amazing creation of the deepest Artist. My heart does some insane things when he and I talk--I'm comfortable and peaceful, but somehow stirred with excitement and fireworks. I don't know...it's not like there are really words for love. But God continues to show himself in the depth of connection that we continue to be blessed with.

This week is a good one, I think. I have most of the week off of school, and of course, Thanksgiving will be nice with Billy here. We have a lot to be thankful for.

I'm tired, I guess. So, I shall head to bed.

"And on this road to righteousness, sometimes the climb can be so steep.
I may falter in my steps, but never beyond Your reach."

--Rich Mullins

Up Close and Personal

So, we went to the Jars of Clay concert. I say it that way only because that's how it was advertised. I really bought my ticket so that I could see Donald Miller, author of Blue Like Jazz. He rocked the house. He was completely funny in one of his selections. The other was completely deep.

When he read his works, he read them exactly how I imagined he would from reading his book. He writes in a natural cadence and it's just very appealing. Someday, I want to write how he writes.

We met him after the show, and I have to say, he's very cute...you know, in an overweight beaver-y sort of way. That was mean, I know. I seriously admire the guy like crazy, and it was a privilege to meet him. I wished that we weren't standing in the hallway with other people waiting behind us cause I totally wanted to talk to him about writing. I wanted to know when he started and how, but I'm sure that I know what he'd say anyway cause pretty much everyone starts out the same way. Perserverance is a quality I think I will be developing soon...one way or another.

Down...

I went through the middle of the tornado damage today. It had been closed of for some time, and today was the first time I had reason to enter. I was on my way to the post office, and by the time I got there, I was quiet in my soul. Unbelievable is the only way to describe it. It is hard to write about, and undoubtedly, harder to live in. I have the feeling that I had when 9/11 happened and when I watched The Passion of the Christ. My life is full of blessing, and can I really see anything as an inconvenience again? As I go on buying lamps and mattresses and making plans for fun, some people have no choice but to start over. And some people have no place to start from. I don't know. Words can't capture the grief that entered my heart today. Tears alone can capture that, but as always, they are no where to be found.

I wrote a poem, and you can click here to see it.

Wicked New Store...check it.

I found this most rawkin new store. They have seriously the raddest clothes ever, and like super cute models in their catalogs. Like I guess it's a small company based out of Saginaw of all places (for those unaware...that's where Billy's from), so like you should all support them cause they're local to my boi.

Click HERE for their catalog. The link's kinda finicky, but trust me...it's worth it!

Mission: Almost Accomplished

For everyone who was tired of hearing about my fence...
I officially finished the inside today. Now I just have the outside corner to do.

And I still haven't finished organizing my closet.

But Billy and I have picked out a lovely yellow gold faucet for our first kitchen together...for whatever that's worth.

Sunrises and Flames

I love newness, which perhaps is why I get bored so easily. When something can capture my mind, though, boredom never seems to call.

Billy and I tried to watch a sunrise this weekend. We woke early, while it was still dark. It was also still very cold. Turning onto Ojibway, we found a dock, then sat huddled in our coats that suddenly weren't warm enough. The sunrise never really appeared. We realized after a time that the sky had never shown its angelfire for us to worship over. But the morning came, as it always does, and soon the sky was bright, though overcast.

Our hands were freezing as we got back in his car. And the coffee felt good going down. Our bodies needed heat...some outside source to alter us. Our hearts, though, were warmed already through the growing flames of love.

The Olsen twins...

...or triplets???

My Little Apple Dumpling

The Newest Countdown

One weekend, 2 days of classes, 1 Bible study = total of 6 days.

"I'm always countin down, cuz there ain't no easier way.
Trust me, you know that I tried
And if I said it's easy, then you know I told a lie
I'm gonna be alright;
I'm gonna be just fine."

Mystic Theurge 44% Combativeness, 10% Sneakiness, 58% Intellect, 69% Spirituality

Brilliant and spiritual! You are a Mystic Theurge! Score! You have a prestige class. A prestige class can only be taken after you've fulfilled certain requirements. This may mean that you're an exceptionally talented person, but it probably doesn't. The Mystic Theurge is a combination of a cleric and a mage. They can cast both arcane and divine spells, and are good at both, making them pretty terrifying on the battlefield. They have more raw spellpower than just about any other class. You're both intelligent and faithful, but not violent or deceitful. I guess that makes you a pretty good person.

The Sands of Time

Time continually passes, so why do my days seem to last forever? I miss Billy incredibly right now.

"Down the middle drops one more grain of sand." --Jack Johnson.

I have just a week's worth of sand left until my hour glass can't take any more.

Hoy estaba un dia bueno!

Man! I need more days like today. I don't even know that I can explain how cool it was. We just chilled and stuff, but I also got stuff done. And things were just relaxed, until around 4:30, which is my normal freak out time. But then, I remembered that I forgot to take my stress pill as well as my clear-my-head-of-disorganized-mess pill this morning. I took those and made myself smile at Eve's dinner antics. Finally, they got to me. But it was okay.

We had so much fun. Eve drew that crazy elephant picture today. I was happy cause I knew what it was as soon as I looked at it, even before she was finished with it. I always feel so bad when I say something like, "Oh, is it a butterfly?" and she's all like, "No, it's a rhinoceros." So, usually I just say, "That's so cool. You did a really good job. What is it?" I'm not sure that's much more effective in not crashing her self-esteem, but I'm not sure how else to approach it.

While tucking her in, I was informed that she "agreed with Blake" that they could get married when they're grown-ups, which apparently means 21. She didn't quite know WHY she agreed with him on that. We had a talk about that, obviously. That was hard. How do you teach your 5 year old how awesome a good marriage should be and help her to understand the principle of being worth something without squashing childish play? So, it was light hearted, but I told her that they'd need to wait till they're older to be boyfriend and girlfriend. She was super cute about the whole thing.

Eve's latest Picasso impression.

Classic Evansville

If anyone should want to come visit me, be sure that you ask me to take you to the free market on Stratford Road. Yeah...this is a neighborhood that I drive though on my way to work, and today was the best. Outside of one house, there was a console TV being given away. Three houses down and across the street sat a free toilet. I'm loving this town.

Sunday

So, this was a good Sunday.

Worship was good, and Pastor David gave my favorite comment: "God is not an American. He's not even a Westerner." I can't quite recall how that fit into Eph. 1, but I'm glad that it did. Cause I wish Americans would remember that sometimes.

After church, we went to my parents' house, and I found out that my mom had tickets to the Big Bad Voodoo Daddy concert. It was sweet. For the first hour, the Philharmonic orchestra played. It was good, but I was eager for BBVD to come out. Obviously, the second half of the concert rocked. I was just wishing that I'd had a swing partner cause they told people that the ushers wouldn't stop them from dancing in the aisles.

Eve's Birthday. Blowing out candles is apparently harder than I remembered. Punk Rawk cake by Sarah. Message to my man by Christina.

super

What Ought To Be Typical

Soccer rawks. Weeds and spiderwebs do not.

Saturday freedom is the bomb. Saturday boredom blows me to bits.

It's tempting for me to be downcast. But this is nothing that intentional time with Eve-Marie can't fix, apparently. She totally rawks. And she's an awesome soccer player, too. I'm pretty proud of her cause she really understands the concept of teamwork in a sport. Well, at least to the extent that the 2 of us can be a team (our team name, by the way, is "The Invisible Ghosts"). So, she all knows it's important to pass the ball and receive passes. When we played on opposing teams (and that that point, her team was "The Turtles"), she actually stopped a few of my half-serious attempts to score a goal against her. She's rad.

So, it's 12:25. I have nothing on my schedule today but cleaning out that closet. Errr....I just don't want to start! But I have to, so...so long.

The Eve-Marie Dictionary

Improvising: your confidence is big in...I mean, you do good things. That's improvising.

Northern Lights

So, I guess it's about time I process some that crazy stuff from last week, huh? I guess I haven't yet cause...well, Billy did such a great job on his site.

But I have some other things going on in my mind, too, I suppose. Imagine that...ha...we're different people after all.

So, I feel so lame for not wanting to play by the rules in Michigan. But I feel even lamer for calling Jolyn white trash just because I didn't like the rule. I'm super sorry for that. But fortunately, I'm right there with you cause Michigan has some irresistable force that draws my hand out the window when it's down. So, maybe it's only white trash in Evansville, where MOST things are white trash.

So, yeah...I think other than that one moment, things were completely awesome, and I'm grasping for words besides Billy's to talk about it. No wonder he just lists the highlights. Here's one of my highlights: that words aren't effective...but then they are once you actually use them. Lots of good talking. I'm down. Anytime.

Oh, yeah...I got to see "Two-steppin' Honest" live, so that rocked. I watched the DVD today, as is my Tuesday ritual. It was cool again, as always. But it was even cooler cause I've seen him play it live. Isn't that all cheesy and sappy and lame? Hmmmm.... perhaps I finally have some confirmation that I'm a girl.

Another good thing in Michigan (but this had nothing to do with being IN Michigan) was the fact that all these tears that have been refusing to let go finally let go. It actually started a few days prior to my trip, as I started reading Captivating by John and Stasi Eldridge. It just kept going, which was awesome...the crying, I mean. And then, I got to cry not just over the book, but over real circumstances that actually touched my heart. It was pretty comforting, as is Billy's shoulder.

So, Michigan...the overall verdict is that I love it.
Evansville... it's good to be home, but I'm tired and perhaps a little lonely (but not too much).

Must We Always Pain the Maker?

Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take,
I'll be watching you.

Every single day
Every word you say
Every game you play
Every night you stay,
I'll be watching you.

Oh, can't you see
You belong to me?
How my poor heart aches
With every step you take.

Every move you make
Every vow you break
Every smile you fake
Every claim you stake,
I'll be watching you.

Since you've been gone,
I've been lost without a trace.
I dream at night.
I can only see your face.
I look around but it's you I can't replace.
I feel so cold and I long for your embrace.
I keep calling begging, baby, please.

"Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God." Romans 8:8

Because God cries when He knows where your soul's going--regardless of whether your actions are good or not.

The Day

So, worship today was awesome. Like Sam must've been a super happy person all week to choose the songs that he did for this morning. They were all up beat, and we were all grooving. It rocked my socks.

And the choir sang, and that rocked cause they were all praising Jesus.

And then Pastor David preached, and man! That man speaks truth. That's just all it is. He's so taking our church in the direction God wants it, and it excites me. Today, he talked about evangelism and our testimonies. He asked how many of us shared the news of dropping gas prices with any of our friends this weekend. Of course we did. But how many of us shared the news of Jesus? You know...that news about how we can never earn our way to God, but Jesus being the perfect and loving man-god that he was took the punishment for our sins so that we can get the reward of Heaven. Yeah...you see the point. Conviction.

But always, he reminds us that prayer is the predecessor of any fruitful endeavor and community is the support that everyone needs. I can't wait for my new small group on Wednesday. I am SO there...no matter what. (Please pray that I don't get in a car accident on my way, cause Satan's such a lamer that way...and I'm only halfway joking.)

Yeah...God rox.

I love it when a plan comes together. (And Trish rox)

Fun in the Dark with Cops

So, here's one benefit of insomnia: You get to chill on the street with your boys in blue (or brown, as it were). I had an awesome visit with Paul, the Cop, tonight....err...this morning. He's one of my best friends, and it makes me sad that I never get to see him. Usually, he'll stop by for a couple minutes and tell me about the progress of his house renovation, and then he's off to another call. But when it's 2 am, and I can't sleep, who better to ring up than the law? So, we got a good 1 1/2 visit standing outside, feeling all cool, and leaning on his cruiser. He'll kill me if he ever reads this cause he's such a man's man (seriously!), but he's such a girl sometimes, too. I can talk to him about all my girlie stuff and he just says, "Good for you!" And it makes me feel good.

He thinks Billy is a fine-looking man, but he thought that he's younger than me, to which I took offense.

He also thinks that I've come a long way since we first met about a year and a half ago. I didn't think I was that bad off back then, but apparently, he's super proud of the changes in my life. I have to say, to redeem myself for that "girl" comment up there--Paul was a big reason that I was strong last spring and summer when my job sucked and then I lost it, and Joe was a loser (still is, as far as I know...where the freak's my child support!!!!!!?????). Paul is really awesome at encouraging. He always has positive things to say, and he always looks out for me, too. He's definitely my big brother, but also a really good friend.

Our time together ended with a car speeding down my street and Paul pulling it over from my driveway. After showing mercy by releasing him without a ticket, Paul left to go fight crime. A good time was had by all.

I hope it won't be so long till next time, Gash.

ONE THING

I've heard that Lonliness is here.
It's given and thoughtfully used.
I can only pray that it will make me stronger
When I seem to be confused (courtesy Fredreich Neitszche...or however the heck you spell that)

Well, the night is always dark.
And the dark is still alone.
I have told you over so many times
That I just want to go home.

Baby, you know I've been thinking.
Child, I love you too much to leave.
But when Hopelessness surrounds my nights
My words take off without me.

This one thing I know--
That Time will take its toll.
That two roads are staring me down.
That one road is higher, but hard to walk upon.
And one will make me drown.
And this one thing I've seen--
That the one that's so much higher
Has a hope that's founded in truth.
Tells me I haven't wasted my youth.

These words were dead, unfeeling.
These smiles were pain through tears.
These tears were failed manipulation
Unperfected through the years.

My soul was weak and feeble.
It's love, quickly decreasing.
My dementia broke into my habit
Of a joy that was unceasing.

Liquid Gold

Man... Sometimes life is too much trouble. And then sometimes it's really, really good. I wish I had some of that really good bottled up so I could just pour it out on myself when I'm tempted to wallow.

Not that my life is in the mire or anything. Things are super cool, so I really have no complaints. I just have to be dramatic, I suppose.

Yeah. Things are cool. Cause Billy was here this weekend, and it was awesome. We had fun. We went to a show. We watched the river, went to Seekers and to church. We played hackey sack, and said goodbye. It was cool to be with him again.

It was sad to see him go, and worse to have Monday without him.

But really...I think I'm just as down about how little I do for the causes I support. Like I just read "Blue Like Jazz." (This book now comes highly recommended by me. My seal of approval is on the cover of the latest printing.) But yeah...that book was so incredibly real, and I wanted to marry the guy. Except, I have a suspicion that he's a little overweight and possibly too old for me, and while we're being real, I may as well admit that I have a huge superficial streak in me, and I could never marry someone who was overweight on the wedding day. Cause I don't think that I would ever be able to give him a chance with dating if he were overweight. And let's just face it, you have to be attracted to the man you marry or your wedding night...well....

But that's not the point. The point is that there're are real people starving for whatever they're starving for, and it bothers me, but I still would rather have my Jamaica picture framed than send the $10 to Samaritan's Purse or something. I do not really beat myself up over this picture as much as it sounds on my blog. I love my picture, and it's not a sin to buy a picture frame.

Anyway...if anyone has an idea for the bottled good times, let me know...

I'm out.

New Countdown

NEW COUNTDOWN: 4 down. ZERO to go. (48.5 hrs and counting)

The New Countdown

Three down. One to go.

(You will find what you need in the winter of my published mind.)

Note to Self

A crappy day can always be remedied by a new pair of Vans. My mom totally rox the casbah.

Birthday Wishes

Today has been good. Eve's birthday party was today, and it was quite successful. I have to say that I definately manipulated that by telling her that she was only allowed to invite 5 kids and I... ahem... "encouraged" her with her choice of friend. So, we had a totally mellow party. It rocked for me. At the end, I let the kids run around outside and do whatever they wanted out there. We played some rawkin' games like Slam Dunk contest and a soccer penalty kick game. Then outside after the cake, we played soccer tag, which your truly invented all by myself on the spot. The kids kinda lost interest, but seriously, if anyone ever wants to play it with me...I'm all over that.

So, it was cool doing something just for Eve-Marie and seeing her have a good time with her friends. Sometimes, it's hard to make her the center of my world. So, I was super happy that she was happy today and that she felt special with her punk rawk cake and ice cream. (Yes, I did take pictures.) I'm just happy that she's alive, and for her birthday, I wish her wisdom for life, joy in her heart and an eternal appreciation for good music. Amen.

New Countdown

2 down. 2 to go.

Poignancy of Sixpence

"I wish to quote from Whitman now to show the way I feel about you. Cause it's a 'subtle electric fire' you light in me everytime I see you, so let's dance again in this field of flowers we're in."

"I guess you could say I'm a little afraid. What if you go away?"

"And I'll admit that I do not try when it's easier to sit down and cry. I'm so full of doubt--wanna let it out, let it out all over you."

"Is it all inside my head? Is it all inside my head? I view the list and take my pick. I view my fate and make the choice cause it's nobody else's but mine."

"Don't worry about tomorrow. He's got it under control. Just trust in the Lord with all your heart and He will carry you through."

"But tension is to be loved when it is like a passing note to a beautiful, beautiful chord."

The New Countdown

One down. Three to go.

School Rules

School is now in session! Woo-hoo. No, seriously. It's awesome. But this is coming from me, a teacher, and I think that things definately look different from my side of the podium than from the students.

Regardless, today has been really, really good so far. It's been fun to see who's in my classes and to try to help them feel unintimidated by the oh so scary process of writing. It is a really intimidating thing for a lot of people to be critiqued on their communication methods, so I think one of my biggest obstacles as a teacher is to help them realize that they really can do what they have set out to do.

But yeah...school is cool. Stay in school.

Here's something I overheard a co-worker of mine saying: Life is just a chair of bullies. I haven't decided yet if that's funny or lame.

So, today...slept in late cause Eve and I were up for an hour last night when she had bloody noses. Poor little thing. I feel so bad for her. She's such a sweet heart, though. Like she came up and knocked on my door in the middle of the night and was all, "Mom, I think my nose is bleeding." I could barely even hear here since I was unconscious at the time, and she didn't even raise her voice.

But then, we went to Trish's and helped her get some things done around the house so that it can sell more easily. I hope it doesn't, though. hahah. Well, I know that it's important for them to move. I just know that I'll miss her and her family like crazy. But somehow, Mary and I will take a road trip up there, definately. So, yeah...just fun things to do like washing walls and scraping up caulking and then experimenting with new caulk and making fun of ourselves all the while. Good times had by all, and great lunch, too.

After, I got home, I worked out and then rewarded myself with watching the Billy Chia DVD. Well, the first couple of songs anyway. I figured this was a better reward than, say, a yummy ice cream something or other, which was definately sounding good in the hot weather. But I'm a typical American in that I think everything I do should be rewarded, so in order to motivate myself to workout, I figured I wouldn't let myself watch Billy's DVD unless I work out on my scheduled day. So far, it seems to be working.

Then, I mowed the lawn, which was probably unwise for my health's sake, cause it was hot and my muscles are totaly overworked now, but I wanted to be able to take tomorrow for a Sabbath, and my lawn was getting to that "white trash" stage, so it had to be done today.

And this is my exciting life.

I've been thinking a lot about fears and relationships and friendships and eternity and PMS and the very appealing past. I forget the hurtful past, except for how it translates into fear for the present.

Things are kinda crappy here right now (and by here, I mean only in my own attitude), but I won't go into for fear of working into a super bad mood.

Feelin' Good

Man! It feels really good to actually get stuff done for a change. All summer's been super cool cause I've become an expert at being lazy. It's not been super cool cause I've been down on myself about not doing anything. Today, though, was good. I worked and worked and got together with a friend whom I haven't seen in a long time, and I worked some more. Then, I listened to my phone messages and had a friend call asking if I wanted a job. So, we'll see. It should be pretty nice to have a schedule again.

School starts next week, and I'm getting pretty psyched. The first coupla weeks are a breeze cause it's just some laid back reviewing going on. The hardest part, I guess, is convincing the students that they really should answer my questions...outloud. But after a fun ice breaker (no, really...they do exist...), we get talking and all's well.

Awesome. I want to take a trip to Chicago this weekend, but then I remember that gas is like a million bucks a gallon. Well, it's close. Let's see...it's nearly $2.50, so that'd be $150 in Jamaican money. Yeah... I feel pretty cool having a $100 bill sitting around my house from my trip. Too bad it would barely buy a pack of gun. Anyway, during my quiet time today, I told God that I'd try really super hard to break my habit of buying things that I really shouldn't. Not so much things that I can't afford, cause I don't really do that anyway. But just things that I shouldn't buy. Things that aren't necessary, at least until I see how this school year's finances are going and stuff. So, blech... the step to rock stardom will have to wait (sorry, Jenn...but I will totally come up sometime. I'll just have to wait until I actually save money for the gas).

Yeah.

When the Weather Gets Better...

So, today, I wore jeans! First time in months. It felt really, really good to have my legs covered.

Ode to Two Dead Hamsters

I found you in your plastic home,
As I came back to mine.
This was where you romped around
And slept away your time.
This is where the flies hung out
When I forgot to clean your cage.
And this is where we sometimes watched
The passing of your days.
You looked so peaceful as I passed.
I thought you were just sleeping.
But then a closer, chilling look
Told me you were not breathing.
So I broke down to tell the child
Of your eternal end.
She did not weep; she did not find
The news to be a burden.
Still hearts wore hard as I dug your grave.
The act was paralyzing.
But I can see the cycle of life,
For now you're fertilizing.

++Please take a moment of silence for the bravest and most ill-treated hamsters in America, Butterscotch and Feisty Fudge. They were annoying to feed and smelly to keep in the house, yet who would have ever wished such a death on them? We are just so glad that they died at, presumably, the exact same time, so neither of them faced the grief of losing the other. It's hard to accept this loss of life, but we know they are in a better, more convenient place. Thank you for all your flowers, cards, prayers, love and support to our family in this difficult time. May you each experience the community that you've showed to us. Buddha bless you.++

Totally Quotable

"Without understanding Grace, Christianity just looks like a bunch of rules and religion and a pain in the neck." --Pastor David Niednagel, Christian Fellowship Church, Evansville, IN

I'm so techno-saavy

So, it's all fixed. Anyone can now post comments on my blog (theoretically).

On the downside, everytime I look at it, it just shows 0 comments, even on the post that now has 3 comments. So, sorry, Beth, that I didn't know you wrote to me. (Thanks, though, cause I totally want to hear from you girls!) I set up my blog to send me an e-mail now whenever someone comments.

You'll just hafta excuse my internet illiteracy. I'm just a Romantic, and I'd rather use a typewriter in candlelight. But I live in the 21st century, so I'm cursed to have electricity. ;)

I've also put up a bunch of pix from Jamaica and from Billy's visit. So, check those out, cause they're awesome...

My Cutiepie

The hottie himself

Me and Billy

Flee to Something Deeper

There's a risk in life that you might find purpose, and I think that this risk scares me. But it's a fear like the kind that maybe comes when someone approaches a skydive looking for an adrenaline rush.

My visit with Billy was amazing. It was just cool to see him laugh and to watch him play his guitar and to have him smile when he watched me play my guitar and to sing with him. (I'm starting to get all sappy, and I apologize in advance.) There's something intensely deep about worshipping God with one guitar and two harmonizing voices in your living room. I can't even begin to comprehend (let alone explain) what that meant.

But our visit wasn't all about intensity, even though I could probably sit here and make every second of it seem like the most melodramatic, Romantic (with a capital "R") two days in history. But that wouldn't be fair, and it wouldn't be accurate. Life isn't about melodrama; it's about real relationships. And real friendship can't survive on pure intensity for very long. Friendships need humor, too, and the fact that ours has that in close proximity to intensity is incredible.

Plus, I have a rejuvenated love for downtown Evansville...except for the butterflies that look like Elvis. Those are just weird.

And you all thought I was crazy when I said something about butterflies looking like Elvis in downtown Evansville. Ha!

The Countdown

1 day, 17 hours

So, today was awesome, despite the fact that my sleep last night was interrupted twice by Eve's bloody noses. I swear, you'd think that she was cracked in the face last week by some hyper child's head or something, the way this thing keeps bleeding. I am a little bit worried about it, but we made it through the rest of today without incident, which was good cause this way the day rocked.

We went to Patoka Lake today cause my dad's company rented a shelter and some cabins, and I guess several of the guys he works with own boats. So, we got there and went on some dude's pontoon boat. I was less than thrilled with this because I went there for water sports, not for some lame pontooning. But apparently, this is the pontoon boat of the 21st century, cause it totally kicked butt. Once we got out of the marina, this boat totally flew. So, we messed around on the intertube a little bit, which was fun. But it was no challenge at all. So, soon, we got out the kneeboard, which is about 1000% more fun and probably about that challenging, too. Well, getting the strap velcroed tightly around your knees is the challenging part. Once you're up and riding, it's just plain fun. But my arms were sore for a few hours afterward. I swear I need to find some friends that have some boats so I can get in a good workout every weekend. That was the best, most fun workout I've had in a while.

But now the day's over, and I'm trying to load everything back in the closet that I painted a few days ago. My brother built my shelves in there, so I now have somewhere to put everything that was crowding my family room.

Countdown: 2 days, 18 hours.

One great thing about being back from Jamaica and seeing the beginning of school in the horizon is that I'm getting really good at actually getting some things done around here. I've only had the goal of organizing my closet on my mind all summer. But anyway, I finally started. Yesterday, I cleared it out and painted it. Today, I don't know...I might put shelves up or I might just load everything back in and do the shelves sometime when I have some help. But it's nice to have a chunk of it out of the way.

This morning, my quiet time was cool. I started reading Esther yesterday after talking to Billy on Wednesday night. He totally inspired me. Anyway, reading was good, and the lesson that I'm getting out of the book is that God not only takes care of his people no matter what (Es. 4:14), but He also makes it well known (Es. 6:13). So, I'm challenged in my own life: How much do I boast in the things that God does for me? What am I doing to spread the fame of His name?

Tomorrow, my family is going to Patoka lake for some company picnic, and I'm all psyched cause I absolutely love water.

Stereotype Orphan

Eve in the Bus

Chantel Sniffs

Sticker Face (layout by Glenton Smith)

The Troublemaker

America, the Beautifully Materialistic

So, coming back from Jamaica. Hmmm...unfortunately much easier than I would have liked. I miss my boys down there, definately, but getting back into an American lifestyle is a lot simpler than I hoped it would be. I guess I hoped that seeing poverty daily and realizing that I am so blessed would have helped me give a second thought to whether or not I really need to have new shelving in my closet or a pretty sunset picture over my couch (as you can easily guess, I decided that they are both quite necessities...how lame.). I guess this will be my earthly struggle for who knows how long. On the one hand, I totally feel for the boys in Jamaica, but on the other hand, I'm so well aware that material possessions aren't what make or break a person. So, while I feel bad for them, I only feel bad for them in a spiritual sense. Are they certain that God loves them? Do they understand what the cross means? If they can answer those questions in the affirmitive, then it doesn't really matter what they have or what I have.

Cause sometimes, I just think...you know, God didn't allow me to live in America so that I couldn't use air conditioning. Yes...this has been at the front of my mind cause it's freaking HOT here. Jamaica isn't hot like this. It's more humid there, I guess, but it's in the 80s there and it's in the 100s here. So, why shouldn't I spend my money on being comfortable? (Wow! Do I sound like I'm trying to convince myself of something or what!) Seriously, isn't air conditioning and living in America a blessing from God, too?

But regardless, I want desperately to go back to live in Jamaica for a longer time than one week. I have to have faith that God will use whatever I can give because there are serious doubts in my mind as to what was actually accomplished there in one week. But I know that God continues to work beyond the human effort. I just wish that I could be there to see it. So, I want to return sometime in the not too distant future. Maybe I'll rent my own place so that I don't have to share a house with 41 other people. And I'll go visit my precious friend, Glenton Smith and see his smile and tell him everyday that I love him and God loves him.

In the meantime, I just pray about it. And obviously, I spend money on myself cause it's the American way. But Jamaica is in my heart, and I think that it will be for a long time to come.

(pix to come soon)

Ain't too soft

So, God totally rocks. Or as my mom would've said circa 1997, "God rocks 'n' rules!" Sweet. Parents are weird. Except me. I'm not weird...I'm, uh, eccentric. Yeah. That's right.

Anyway, God totally rocks. Like this trip we're going on was all $14,000 in the hole, and now we only need $4500. In two days! That's insane. But you know...God's ways aren't our ways. And the people involved in the trip wanted the money 2 weeks ago. But how much faith do ya hafta have if you got the money 2 weeks ahead of time, am I right? Well, it was a lesson in trust. And it was also a lesson in making it through a couple days without antacids. heheh... Of course, I actually kinda like Pepto Bismol. It's quite tasty. And I'm not even joking.

I remember a year ago, when I found out all this disgusting stuff about this person who was previously very close to me, I had a perpetual upset stomach and was totally downing bottles of the pink stuff. I thought it was good. The situation sucked, but I love the man who invented pepto bismol. I totally want to marry him. Uh...but if it was a woman, I'll just give her a big thumbs up!

So, I'm in a happy mood cause I'm super excited about going to Jamaica. I'm really looking forward to seeing God work, and I'm only slightly nervous about leading the singing. I figure that God will stretch me, and that'll be good cause then I can come back to the good U.S.A. and get up in front of people and sing and then fulfill my dream to be a rock star. Yeah...I'm sure that's the exact plan on God's mind.

Well, anyway. Today: Stained most of the outside of my fence. Worked. Typed lyrics of praise songs for Jamaica. Went to my parents to watch Dr. Phil, but it was a re-run...all about moochers.

Later.

Living High on the Moonshine Hog

Okay, so why is it that people who like bad music also like it loud? Especially when it's bad bluegrass (and yes, as a matter of fact, there is good bluegrass http://www.alisonkrauss.com )Man! I know I shouldn't complain. The only reason I had to endure 3 hours of crappy music was because I got a last minute painting job and made money to replace my child support that never came. So, actually, despite the music, it was actually great. A good ending to a great day.

It started like any normal Sunday at church. Worship was awesome. And my pastor preached about David and Bathsheba. He was totally hardcore about honesty and about addictions and pornography, which I thought was awesome. And he also talked to women about being sure that we're dressing modestly. That can be pretty hard, but girls are worth so much more than they think they are.

Probably the highlight of the day was that today was NATIONAL ICE CREAM DAY! Yeah! So, I have this really good friend who's an ice cream addict, and she and her daughter were more than happy to celebrate it with us. They're funny cause they don't even care if it's ice cream day or not...they're straight up addicted, I swear. But we're not, so we needed this perfect excuse to indulge. Mmmmmm....coffee ice cream and chocolate syrup....yummy yumm yumm. Although I think I'm gaining weight right now just by thinking about it. (And yes, as a matter of fact, that is possible...some sorta chemical thing going on in your body...)

Tomorrow I get to watch my favorite little girl (other than my daughter) and then go talk about Jamaica with a bunch of other Jesus freaks and then talk to someone amazing on the phone. I'm looking forward to that. :)

An Experiment in Fasting and Prayer

Today was insane...like as in God is totally amazing it's insane. I had my first successful day of fasting and prayer. And I hesitate to write about it cause I'm not all trying to be boastful, like look at how holy I am cause I fasted. Actually, I gave up on fasting for appearances a long time ago. When you do that, it never works anyway. The way I alway experienced it was that I spent all day thinking about how hungry I was that I never had a chance to pray anyway. And really, who wants to not eat if you're not gonna get that benefit of prayer to compensate?

No, see, I actually fasted cause for the first time I felt called to do it. I've had a bunch of stuff thrown at me lately. Mainly, God did some amazing things in me concerning relationships. All kinda of relationships: my relationship with Him, with my friends, with my family (particularly my father), with my neighbors, and with a certain awesome somebody that I've never even met before.

I think what surprised me the most about today was the certainty I have as I end my day and prepare to go on with life as usual...although I'm not altogether convinced that I want to do that. But the thing is that everything I prayed about today has been in my prayers for weeks. Today, though, I have answers.

I broke my fast with dinner at Culver's, which is usually awesome, but today, it gave me a tummy ache. I think that eating Chocolate Peanut Crisp custard was a little over the top for not eating all day. It sounded so good on the menu, but right now...well, it makes me wanna puke.

Anyway, I feel rejuvenated (and oil-free!). I think things are gonna be cool for a while, and when they're not again...I think I understand what I need to do.

Peace.

New songs...

So, I'm hoping to have some songs up on here soon, assuming that geocities will start working and that my connection isn't too slow to upload the files.
But anyway...below are the lyrics to the ones I've recorded.

COMPROMISED

I'm so tired
Of feeling sorry for myself
I'm so restless here in America.
I'm so tempted
To leave everything I know,
To just get up and go.

I need a reason to stay,
To not leave everything behind,
To make it through today
Not wond'ring what happened to my life.
This isn't where I thought I would be.
This isn't where I wanted to be.
This isn't where I hoped I would be--
Compromised.

I was so sure...
But I've come here unprepared.
I'm so wasted and feeling so alone.
I'm so sickened
By the world I see around me.
But it's all I have found.


--No Title Yet--

You can't stop running away,
But who are you running to?
You have to get away
To find yourself anew,
But who are you?
Yeah, who do you think you are?
And when did this impression on your mind
Become more than He who called?

So, you're scared of losing all you hold?
I think you're scared of growing old
And finding you're still alone.

You find an empty road
And an empty tomb beside.
Are you washed out in the blood,
Or tossed out in the tide?
Well, which way is up?
Yeah, how much freedom do you possess?
And where does freedom get you, anyway,
If your heart is still a mess?
Will you ever find success?

Cut The Rope

Cut the rope
That's tying me down
And leaving me lonely
In this distant town.
I've been waiting for you too long.
You never come around,
So why are you tying me down?
Cut the rope.

You do well to glorify yourself.
Just the same, only a fool would think
You are the one who's pulling me higher
Or you are the water my thirsty heart drinks.
Well, it was just your imagination.
You're creative and I'll give you that.
But I can't live on potential earnings
And dreams of Cadillacs.

I never asked for much--
Just a little love from you.
All you had to say was "You're special to me."
And "Where you are, I want to be too."
But it was just my imagination
Dreaming that you'd come through for me.
Always dreaming of the future
That one day we'd be a family.

Moving On

Each time you speak--
Did you think I'd want to listen,
As you shred me to pieces
With your sorry monologue?
What did you think I'd say
When you asked me to reply?
Did you think I'd passively lie by?

Ain't feeling sorry.
I'm not the one that's killing you.
I won't apologize.
You're not the one I answer to.
Well, I'm distracted by my lack of care.
That's why I left you there
Where you've been living too long.
I'm moving on.

I don't owe you an explanation.
My silence says all I'll say.
You don't listen, anyway.
Each time you cry--
I want to bury you in your grave.
Did you think I'd want you here
To root me in my fear?

I don't want you,
And you think that no one wants you
And you threaten suicide.
Well, I'm done now.
I'm moving on somehow
From my attempts to rectify.
If you die...
It's only you who dies.

To my boy in da hiz-ouse

Billy, this one's for you kid. Once I get all aquainted, I'll get you some random songs and perhaps a present tense photo. Perhaps.

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About Page

As of 6.16.08
I'm a normal person. I don't have those quirks that readers find eccentrically charming. I don't collect anything. I have no OCD necessity to open and close my silverware drawer three times when I need a fork. I don't organize my socks in a certain way. I'm just me. I'm just a normal person.

I have a normal family without a lot of dysfunction. In fact, we're pretty darn functional. And we're proud of that.


My husband, Billy, is the hottest worship pastor in the world. His blog rocks, too, and you should check it out. But only after you check mine out. ;)

We have two daughters. Eve is 8 and a professional handstander. Ashlyn is 2 and getting into everything... in a good way.

We live in America, and we question daily what Christianity in the suburbs should be about. We are learning to live in our new identity in Christ and put our confidence in Him alone. I'd love for you to subscribe to my RSS feed or to subscribe by e-mail to find out more about these journeys.

So, now you know me.

the code

Here's what you need, Billy

http://masterrussian.com/blalphabet.shtml

Good lucks.

Capa

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