Sleepless

I hate nights like this. It's 2:30, and I've been awake for well over an hour. The girls were tucked away by 8:30, and I was feeling worn down. So, I brought the dog in and headed off to my own little dreamland. But by 1:00, I was awake. So, here I sit waiting for morning to come, dreading the daytime...knowing that I'll be tired.

I'm not sure what it is...I guess just having those 5 hours of sleep gave me enough rest to make it hard to get any more. I mean, there's nothing on my mind that's keeping me awake. At least, not that I know of, but I figured I'd sit down here and write, and maybe something will surface.

Last night was pretty cool. I went to church with my parents for something to do. I know that's a bad reason to go to church, but sometimes on Saturdays I do that. Billy works and it gets lonely staying at home all day and night. So, I change up the scenery a bit and head out to CFC. But last night, as I dropped Eve off at Sunday school, I found out that there was no one in the prayer room, so I headed over there instead of into the service. I think I'll do that more often.

I was on a forum a couple weeks ago where we were talking about fat Christians. That's not what I want to be. So, it felt right and good to not go into the service, but to go and pray. It felt good and right to serve. It mainly felt good and right to talk to God again.

It's been a while since I actually had a prayer time. I'll say a few lines here and there throughout the day, and of course, I pray with Eve at bedtime. Sometimes, Billy prays with us before he goes to work. But those times are short, and they aren't the communion with God that I need on my own.

I used to have this insane prayer life...like I would wake up early and have coffee and God for breakfast. I had to set a timer so that I could actually start getting ready for work and make it out the door on time. I would lose track, and all of a sudden the hour was over. Somewhere in the last year, that stopped. I don't know what it was really... the sudden busyness of being married...the naseau of pregnancy making it hard to concentrate...the lack of God at the church I used to attend... I don't know. But somewhere along the line, I can remember struggling to get out a prayer and then eventually just eliminating that sacred time from my day. It wasn't a conscious thing. I mean, I didn't just decide I wasn't going to pray anymore. There was just some kind of distance and I just wasn't feeling it. And the less I prayed, the less I felt it.

So, I don't know. It feels good to have that desire back tonight, and I hope that it sticks around. I had a sneaking suspicion that if I would just do something to serve God and his people that I would have a desire for more. So, yeah...now I have a desire to commune with him again. I don't know the practical application of that. How do you find a solid length of time with a 2-month-old and a homeschooled kindergartener? I don't know. But I know that I want to. And I know that Saturday nights will hold something more than me soaking up all the feeding I can get. They'll be a release of that, and I'll pour out for once. I know that's the right thing for me to do. And I'm eager to do it again.