A Song for the Screw-Up

Love covers over us
Erases the sin
Eliminates our weaknesses
Removes from us the pain

And this love is divine
Yet I feel it in your touch.
And when you're close,
I believe in God.

Love covers over us
When we've given up
When we've failed to know what to do.
It's still the only truth.

And this love is beyond
All the feelings I have found.
And it keeps me here
When I'd rather go.

But I'm sorry when my words
And everything I am
Is nothing that you deserve
And I'm sorry I forget about your love.

For your love is divine
And I cannot measure up.
Yet you stay with me,
And you show me God.

Feelin' It

So, this baby thing is definitely different this time around. I don't know how to explain all that plays into that. Some of it is awesome, like the fact that I actually like the man that partnered with me to create this child. He doesn't cause me the angst that the other one did. I don't have all the pre-occupation with my negative emotions clouding my days and affecting my parenting. I feel like I have more to offer Ashlyn because I have an amazing relationship with her father.

I don't feel as overwhelmed, either. I feel like I know what I'm doing this time, and I don't have to keep asking how to manage the mothering part of it.

But I also feel that isolation of stay-at-home moms. I didn't get this the first time around because I lived with my parents and my mom worked from home, so I was around adults all the time. But I heard mothers make comments about how hard it can be to be around children all day and to lack the adult conversation. It is hard.

Today, two of my good friends came by at different time for an hour or so each. It was awesome to see Trish and the girls again, and to have some time with Amanda and Wes. But now, I'm back to being here with Ashlyn, and I'm realizing that even that time together with friends doesn't seem to speak to the need that I have.

I wonder if I'm just overly needy...maybe it's something that I need to get over. Anyway, it's something that feel now, regardless of whether it's my own problem.

I think that part of it is that I don't really have any regular kind of socializing. Like it seems I just spent today "catching up" with old friends. Somehow, it's not the same as hanging out.