Provisional Blessings

So, anyone who knows me knows abouot the impending arrival. I'm not sure you all know that the date has been most likely moved up. Due to complications in Eve-Marie's delivery, this pregnancy is considered "high risk" so they will likely be inducing me sometime in the next week and a half or so. I'm excited, although I'd really like to go into natural labor. (Please pray with us for that!)

Anyway, things have been hectic around here lately trying to prepare. I had all my good intentions of getting things ready before Christmas so I could settle down and enjoy the holiday without the added stress of lingering "to-do" items. Somehow, I pushed all those to-do's out of my mind during the last couple weeks and had a GREAT holiday. But now, I'm paying the price, darn it!

Still, it's hard to feel upset about it because God has been so good to us throughout this pregnancy. I wish I had some kind of tally of how much he's showered on us...as far as price...like as in how much money he's saved us just because he's so cool.

First and most expensive is the medical coverage that he provided to us. We qualified for some aid that allowed 100% of my medical bills and Ashlyn's first year of medical bills to be covered. This is a continuing blessing as we don't have to add her to our pathetic insurance policy for a nice $40 a month.

So, let's see..

Medical coverage: $10,000

Beyond that, the only things that I've actually spent money on so far are painting supplies for the room. We had friends give us some used large ticket items, such as...

Swing: $90
Changing Table: $150
Playpen/Bassinet: $130
1st year wardrobe: $300
Walker: $45
Crib Set (blanket, lamp, valance, crib skirt): $150

Friends also showered me with presents last night at my shower, which was awesome. We got great practical things like a changing table pad and plug protectors. We also got some fun stuff like LOTS of socks, some outfits, and lotions. Billy's family also sent some things at Christmas for Ashlyn, things like sleepers, bath supplies, and the like.

Shower gifts combined: $500

The rest of what I have has come from the Evansville Christian Life Center. They have a program called "Love for Life" that gives Baby Buck to expectant mothers upon completion of classes, homework and doctor's visits. I worked hard at accomplishing a lot there, and I was able to get lots of things, like...

Baby Carrier: $90
Transitional Carseat:$100
2 Bouncers: $60
New Breast Pump: $35
Play Gym: $50
Diapers: $75
Tons of Linens, such as blankets, washcloths, burp cloths, sleepers, onesies: $I have no idea.

The point is this: Paul says if you're gonna boast, boast in Christ. God has provided in amazing ways for us in the last nine months, and I detail all of this to encourage anyone else to know that God's bank doesn't have a limit. He owns the universe, and He can supply all our needs. Praise God that he does it!

Making a Scene

Tonight, Eve and I had the privilege of dining at Biaggi's. It was fun because Billy--er, uh, William--was our waiter. It was kinda cool seeing him wait on other tables...you know...I got to see him in action.

It's Christmas Eve, and he had to work, so that was why we went there. Christmas Eve is a time when you should be with your families. And I wonder why people think that spending time with their families is more important than waiters being able to spend time with their families. But anyway, we got to see him.

We got to see something else cool, too, while we were there. A couple of tables over, a man proposed to his girlfriend. (She said, "yes.") It was very sweet. Everyone in our section clapped.

Anyway, tomorrow's Christmas, and I'm excited because we have a whole day together, which is quite a rarity these days.

Getting All Crafty

So, getting ready for Ashlyn is great fun. All these little projects are somewhat overwhelming, but at the same time, it's really rewarding and exciting. I think I already wrote something along these lines, but my mind is pretty foggy of late.

Today, a friend of mine gave me tons of baby stuff...everything from clothes to a walker to a changing table. The only negative: the table was oak finish. Yes, I said "WAS." It is not a nasty version of white primer with bits of oak finish peaking through, but I feel really good about that. Cause tomorrow, hopefully, I'll put on another coat, and then I'll just need one coat of some semi-gloss white paint and viola! a beautiful and useful piece of furniture for Ashlyn's room.

It's fun to be all crafty. But it does tend to hurt my back.

A Worthy Quote

"A lot of people don't like Christians, but how can you not like Jesus?" --David Niednagel

Wide Awake

Well, here it is 3:12 a.m. When else would I think about updating my blog? There's been a lot going on lately, I guess, so here while I actually have more to write about, I don't have the time.

I've been busy trying to get things ready for Ashlyn's room. She'll be here in about 3 weeks, and I have a ton yet to do. It's been fun to see it progress, and once the furniture's finished in there, it will really be something. These sleepless nights can be annoying sometimes, but they can also be productive. I got quite a bit of organizing done in there tonight.

Unfortunately, I also found some mouse droppings, which is disturbing. We had some mice in the kitchen, and the pest control guy came out to set poison traps down. We haven't seen evidence of the mice in the kitchen again, but now I see some in my baby's room! I'm not sure if it's old, and they're dead, or if it's new and they just migrated.

Eve-Marie's doing good, despite a little battle with the flu. She's been cooperating pretty well with resting and drinking lots of water. She's such a sweet heart. I'm crazy about her. Sometimes I wonder how I'll love both daughters equally, but every parent of more than one that I know tells me it happens somehow.

So, I'm really excited to see Ashlyn...you know to see her features and her hair. Billy and I both had blond hair as babies, so I guess Ashlyn probably will, too. It'll be quite a different story from Eve. I got so used to seeing Eve's dark complexion and hair as a baby that lighter babies looked weird to me, so I wonder if Ashlyn will look weird until I get used to her.

The Good of Life

So, I'm sure you've all realized by now that if you don't hear from me on here, it's good news. I really hate that actually. I always feel like such a downer. Just like the crucifix.

Anyway, today, I'm not in a bad way, actually. I just figured that it's been a while and I oughta write something to let those of you I don't talk to a ton know that I'm alive and well.

I don't know....not much to report. We've been homeschooling Eve-Marie, which is going swimmingly (whatever that means...does anyone actually know where the Brits came up with that one, anyway?). But the point...it's good. She's doing well on all her addition tables, up to 9+9. And we're starting the concept of subtraction today, actually. In history, which according to Eve is the best subject after science, we're learning about Ancient Egyptians. It's cool.

Anyway, Billy's at work now. And Eve's in the bath, so it was either mess around online or clean up around the house. Hmmm...tough call there, huh?

Actually, the house isn't TOO bad, and I'm probably more concerned about getting the urine-soaked Lucy into the bath. I don't know when she'll stop peeing in her cage. It's really quite gross.

Ashlyn's growing like crazy, meaning that my stomach is getting huge. I'm trying hard to not eat too much sugar, but I'm failing miserably. Ashlyn's room is almost ready for her. We still have to try to get the piano moved out of there, but the walls are painted and I have most of her clothes sorted and put away. I think we have almost everything large that we need for her also.

Well, I should go be responsible, I suppose.

Thanks for reading.

A Weekend to Remember

Who ever knew that Mondays could be so amazing. But when they follow the most incredible weekend with the man of my dreams, how could Monday be anything but amazing?

It all started on Friday night, when we had mixed feelings on the session called "Five Threats to Your Marriage." We were thrilled because we haven't experienced the pain and resentment that so many couples experience. We felt blessed because we have tools to begin our marriage well, so we don't have the years of hurt to overcome. But we were heartbroken for those who HAVE been in such pain.

Saturday and Sunday's sessions continued to inspire us and encourage us. We found more and more oneness as we talked about the lessons and found action points to take home with us.

It's hard to actually verbalize the feeling that were aroused between us. I don't say "reignited" because it wasn't as though we had lost anything and are regaining it. It is more that we continue to be blessed with connectedness of deeper and deeper levels.

One of the things that we are eager to pursue together is a "Homebuilder" some group, which focuses on building marriages and families. We want our marriage to bless and glorify God, but we don't want to be selfish about it in the process, and we want to see others restored and renewed to see thier marriages bless God and themselves, too.

A lot of people who read this are out of town, but if anyone in town is interested, or has some friends who may be interested, please drop me a comment or an e-mail and let me know. The sooner we get going, the sooner it will start redeeming marriage for God. Of course, if you CAN'T make it cause you know, you live in Chicago or something, then your prayers are much appreciated.

God Bless.

A Scholar's Parrot May Talk Greek

Lately, I’ve been feeling pretty fake. I recently joined a Bible study, in hopes of becoming real again, but I find that this study seems only to be a course in what I’ve learned all my life, and what—right now, anyway—isn’t moving me. I realize again and again that this life in the church has taught me much about the language of religion, and I can repeat what I’ve heard without it really meaning a thing to me.

And I’m miserable.

So, I return to something simpler—something less analytical than the differences between justification, atonement, and redemption; something that will mean something to me and the world. And here I find again what never ceases to confound me.

“It is the kindness of God that leads us to repentance.” But where is this kindness found? How can my heart search earnestly in a world of unfairness and a place where serving God only hurts more and more everyday? Somehow, I know it’s not supposed to be like this.

I read a chapter in Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller, which quickly became my favorite book a little over a year ago. It’s called “Problems: What I Learned On Television.” It speaks to the problems of the world…the ones we see on the news that help us feel safe and secure in the Good Ole USA. It’s depressing, though, because these problems are a reflection of who we really are…and who we would find ourselves to be if we weren’t so fortunate to live under the authority of a government that cares.

People talk about needing brokenness, and this confounds me, too. How can anyone say they need to be broken before God when all we are is broken? All we have is dysfunction. All we do is useless. I pray for less and less brokenness, in my own heart and the world. Still, I wonder what I do to obtain it. I am constantly fighting God. I ask for a heart that loves him above all else—namely, myself. But in this request is a testing to see how powerful God really is. After all, I’m doing nothing to encourage this heart. I am only fighting it. Still, I feel the spirit of hope return. And it is comforting to know that the kindness of God surpasses the rebellion inside of me.

So, with this hope I return to the true matter of the problems of this world. I return to acknowledging that my heart is black, and I am among the people—the everyone—that Paul refers to in Romans when he reminds us that there is no one who is righteous or seeks after God. And I return to letting God put this broken pot back together.

Unfatigue in the Midst of the Tired Heart

So, here...I love it when this happens. It's such a lovely time when I wanted to sleep freaking 4 hours ago but a loud, stupid, long sci-fi movie kept me up. And so here I am, unable to sleep for anything while I'm sure the culprit snoozes away...or at least lies awake in the bed waiting for me to not arrive.

I feel like I'm supposed to be happy here. But all I feel is frustration from the mixed messages that I get and the mind-changing and the lack of attachment and the intense desire for something familiar. And I see the coming reality as a trap. And I feel guilty for it.

So, I hope that this child is easier, but then again I'm so tired of not being believed that I almost hope it's not...so someone else can get their fair share before they tell me again that I've created a memory that doesn't exist in reality. And then that frustration of reading books that never give answers can be theirs to enjoy and wallow in, as it was mine 6 years ago.

But for now, I stay awake and hear the music on the radio that I wanted to make too loud on purpose, but I'm above that, I guess. Perhaps one of the few things. It's depressing music, anyway. A tortured soundtrack. And quite fitting for the moment.

IT'S A GIRL!!!

And I am very thrilled, as is Eve-Marie. When I told her that she has a sister, she said, "My wish came true!!!" (Yes, it was with three exclamation points.)

Next comes the room preparation and name choosing. And just so everyone knows.... Billy and I will name our kid whatever the heck we want regardless of opinions of family and friends.

January 21-28 is the approximate due week.

Photo to come soon...or at least eventually.

Fun Times on Arches Drive

So, today, we woke up to a bleeding dog. One who also happened to take a nice-sized crap in her cage last night. But you can't really blame the poor thing cause she just got spayed on Friday, and she's not in the best way right about now.

Anyway, she was bleeding from her incision since she kept trying to gnaw the stitches out of her tummy. I had to take her to the vet for an antibiotic and a cone collar. (See images below. HAAA!!!)

Anyway, just tonight I look over at her as Billy's tucking Eve-Marie in and she has this cone stuck in her mouth on one side and over her head on the other. Too funny. I wish I'd gotten a picture of that, but I figure you guys can't take anymore laughing today anyway.

BTW, you should see her try to eat!

Success

So, today, we had our first day of homeschooling. For those of you who didn't know already, Billy and I decided for various reasons...none of which I feel like posting online...to start that up and withdraw her from her school. Anyway, Eve was a bit apprehensive, as I guess I was also. I was excited as all get-out to start up once I saw the curriculum that came on Friday, but I was a little unsure as to how Eve-Marie would respond to my instruction. I mean, sure I taught her everything she knows to date, but to be her actual teacher was a different story.

So, we began the day with a little handwriting practice right after breakfast. We continued after taking Billy to work by learning about Martin Luther, the water cycle, capitalization, and compound words. We also had some review in math of number order and practice drawing numbers 1-9 and then some practice with reading.

I'm so psyched to continue because Eve-Marie really responded well. And I got my house cleaned, too, which is something that's hard to accomplish when I have to spend 3 hours in Evansville while she's in school.

So, yes...a good time was had by, uh, both.

I hate Americans

I'm not sure anyone ever looks at this anymore since I've lagged so completely on updating recently.

I've been struck the last couple of days, today perhaps the hardest, about how much I hate living in America sometimes. I know, I know. I should count my blessings that I live in a country where I can openly criticize and such. But I don't know...something about the land of the credit cards and home of the materialistic doesn't seem so appealing to me.

I hate walking into a store to see all the abundance that everyone has and wants more of. I'm tired of seeing women smaller than me driving an SUV the size of a motor home in order to tote around all of ONE 6-month old child. I mean...if you have a large family and need the room, that's one thing. But if you just have excess money to throw around on luxery and 12 miles to the gallon, then have a heart and think about a Jamaican once in a while.

I hate how these "Christians" all around don't look much like a "peculiar people." I'm sick of how they fit in.

And I'm sick of how I fall right into it. And I wonder if it's a bad thing to feel guilty for buying new maternity clothes when I checked the consignment store first, but found they had no shorts or t-shirts. I don't think it's a bad thing. Rather, I think it's a bad thing to buy stuff and never wonder if you really need it.

So, the son of man had no where to lay his head, but we are so comfortable with our homes that we never leave them to serve. I'm so tired of living in my mid-west America, middle class neighborhood where we care about how green the lawn is and my neighbors have a new car every 6 months. (I swear it's like clockwork.)

I read a book called The Last of Her Kind this week. It was...okay. It passed the time, you know. It was a little bit boring...didn't have much of a plot, but it made me envious. Despite the drugs and free sex that I could do without, I was jealous of the nomadic life they lived...or some of them did anyway. Maybe it was romanticized...probably it was. But I wish for once I could live up to my principles.

Tucking In

So, here I get a chance to sit down and write a little bit about my life. I guess there's just not a lot of stuff to write about lately. Today, though, was cool. We went to my first official OB appointment. Here we got to actually hear the heartbeat, which was cool. I think the coolest thing about it was seeing Billy's facial expression as he sat in awe.

After that, a quick run to Wal-mart proved interesting also. (As a side note, can someone please tell me why the heck our power went out last night but stayed on ALL DAY today?) So, yeah...we're all ready to check out, and the sky looks like night. It was like 3:00 pm. The rain is pounding so hard on the roof of Wal-mart that I honestly wouldn't have been surprised if the roof caved in. But it didn't. So, Billy, being the gentleman that he is, decided to go get the car and pull it up. So, I pay for our stuff (hey! was he really being a gentleman after all!) and go look for him at the door. Poor guy. Completely soaked. I think the car seat is still sopping from him sitting in it all the way home.

So, yes...interesting, huh?

Out of Touch

Man! Broken computers = super huge inconvenience and a ever-shrinking world around me.

Sorry that it's been forever since I had anything of substance up here. Billy's computer was down for a while, and I've also been sick with the pregnancy lately, too.

Tomorrow, I go for another ultrasound, so we're excited about that. We won't know yet what the sex is; that comes around month 4. But it'll be cool to see how much the baby's grown in the meantime.

God's blessed us with all kinds of cool provision--from health care costs to crib accessories to car seats. It's awesome to see how He comes through on his promise to give everything we need (Phil. 4:19).

Church has been, uh, interesting. Our senior pastor has taken a call to a church in Muncie, so we'll see what happens here in the next few (or several!) months to fill that position at our church. Billy's been connecting in great ways with the youth and recently taught a group of them about worship and leading worship. He's been really excited about that.

I don't know...there's not too much else going on, I guess. I've just been sick a lot, so any of you who pray...your prayers would be much appreciated. I don't actually mind being sick because it's a good excuse to sit around and watch movies, but ultimately, I have a bunch of stuff to do around the house, and it's obviously not getting done, so I feel like a loser about that.

Anyway, yeah... I guess I'm out.

myspace contact

Never Ceasing to Amaze

Some crazy things that make me wonder what the heck's wrong with people....

Avril Lavigne mastercards

Jesus statues

And more Jesus statues

Yes, I do classify these in the same category. And what the freak! Why's this stupid underlining happening?

Bored out of my mind....

Not that I have much of one to be bored out of. I get the lovely task of sitting in the kitchen watching the dog not pee on the floor. That's actually good news....considering how much she peed on the floor for the first 2 weeks we had her.

But now, by default, I get to sit here and not do laundry (which...no actually, I really WOULD rather do laundry) and not take a nap, and not do all these other things that I want to do because having a puppy is very inconvenient. She's cute...but inconvenient.

And it's gotten freakin hot here. What ever happened to spring anyway? I swear 3 weeks ago, I was all wearing a parka, and now, I'm sweating even with the air conditioning on.

And I'm obviously in a whiny mood, on top of all that.

But I'm excited because Trish is coming into town this weekend, and I get to hang out with her for a little while. They won't be here for very long, but at least I'll get to see her for a time. I miss her.

We started our small group on Tuesday, which totally RAWKED. It was very cool. We had a couple other people and some that ended up not being able to come due to sickness and other "stuff." But it didn't really matter that it was small because...uh...it's called a "small group" after all.

And now I'm just ramblin, cause I'm freakin bored out of my mind.

Summer Time...when the living's easy

Man...things have been awesome lately, which is probably why I haven't updated in a while. It's harder to remember to keep you posted so much as it's easy to need to journal when I'm feeling down. But lately, things have been really cool.

Billy and I are happily continuing the task of becoming one, and it's been amazing. One of the things that we've been doing...kinda inadvertantly...is reading books and talking about them. We started this with a book called The Search to Belong, by Joseph Myers. It's an interesting read and has been contiunally causing some good discussion between us, and broadening our view of ministry when we learn a new point, or often reinforcing our view of ministry when we find something that we don't agree with the author on.

So, anyway, one of the kewlest things about our relationship, which I guess is present in lots of relationships, I don't know...is that we just have all these interests that are similar, and it seems like when one of us finds something exciting, the other is eager to know about it too. Not always is this true, cause there are definately times when I'm too busy being jealous of how cool and talented Billy is to appreciate that we have a similar interest. But other times, it's just really fun in perhaps an incredibly mundane way to sit and watch him fix a photo or even just to be trimming bushes while he's mowing the lawn. It's like even though we're working on our own thing and not talking to each other, we're still working together on the overall project.

I don't know. I type this out, and it's kinda like...duh...but somehow it's still Romantic to me.

I am so in love with Billy Chia it's insane.

Why...

So, today was the last day of school for me for the semester, and I had a really good day. I had good conferences, with the exception of the girl who told me that I was an annoying teacher. And I don't know why I'm thinking about that now, but it's just because it's so much easier to remember the bad things that I hear than to make up good things.

So, I should be happy, right, cause I've been looking forward to this day for like...months. I'm free. Summertime comes, and I have things I want to accomplish. And I have time to accomplish them. But I'm not happy.

I'm not happy because I have this insane disease called no self esteem. And it's topped by feeling forsaken and un-listened to. And fighting to restore is not sounding very appealing lately. Because I'm well aware of my weaknesses, and I could use a little power of God sometime soon.

Days like these....

Days like today are weird...and I'm kinda getting tired of them. I woke to find the fight was strong and in my face this morning. And I remember that someone told me to capture my thoughts and to "think of what's lovely." And I wonder how the hell you even do that, anyway. (and no, Pete...since I know you're reading this...I don't swear now. Just sometimes when I type it just comes out.)

Like...things are good today, and much better than a week ago today. But it's really getting annoying that my standards are ridiculously high and that my esteem is just as low. But see, there I go not thinking of the lovely things.

Here's the lovely thought for today: Eve-Marie is amazing. I love to lie with her at night and talk to her, finding out what her dreams are and what her wonderings may be. Tonight, she was curious about how everything is made. And for a time, she lay on my chest and it felt good to hold her close. It reminds me of her days as a baby, and it's hard to believe that she's growing. And I wonder now what she'll be like when she's a teenager, and I already began to miss the holding close that will surely slowly vanish as she ages. But this is about the lovely.

Here's another lovely thought: I have but 2 weeks of school left!

Later

La Vida Loca

Ah ver... no puedo escribir en espanol, pero mi vida esta loca hoy, y es excelente!

Uh...okay. I give up on that real quick! Man, you guys...God is freakin awesome. And no...he's not just awesome. He is, indeed, freakin' awesome.

I don't know...it's hard to explain cause it's been so long since I've updated this, but God's just been working in our relationship and ministry, and things are really good.

I'm all tired, but tonight, we're going out for my birthday, so I'll get awake for that.

Yeah...I guess I don't really have much to say. Things are good.

married

so, the wedding went off without a hitch, and all was well with the world.

in fact, it still is.

it's weird cause I knew that things would change somehow after marriage, but I didn't quite realize that they would change so quickly or that it would necessarily be a good thing. I think that when people talk about things changing after marriage it's like their trying to tell you that everyone is a big con artist. It's like, "Everything changes after marriage and you find out all these things about this person, and you realize that everything they ever said was false and everything they ever pretended to be was about 100x better than they'll ever be able to live up to." But for me...in all my week of marriage experience...I feel like the changes that have come have only intensified my love for Billy.

I'm not sure that I can even explain that in any logical or coherent way. All I know is that I love him like crazy, and I love him more today than I did a week ago, but a week ago, we were just now saying our vows...or perhaps we were just now having our first kiss. And I didn't know yet what having him as my husband would be like. I probably still don't.

But I feel secure, and I feel comforted.

This is a test 2

To see what happens when I link to my hot husband with a trackback address in the body.

This is a test

Just a test to see what happened when I link to my hot husband with the trackback under the title.

A lot of nerve...

So, here it is... 5 days away. Counting down, as usual.

The nerves finally started hitting. I don't know...maybe if I were honest with myself, I would've said they hit a couple weeks ago. I think that they built in tiny little increments until finally this weekend, I realized that I'm freakin nervous.

Fortunately, I know that there's no one in the world that I would have a better chance with than Billy. And double fortunately, I know that God is able to do immeasurably more than we could ask or imagine. God's will is for marriage to be amazing. God's will is for family to be a safe place that comforts us and protects us from fears. And God's will is for me and Billy to have that marriage and to build that family. And the past haunts, but it's just a ghost. It's not in control, but then again I'm not much lately, either.

Cryptic? Good.

w00t!

Aw...man... today is freakin' awesome.

Last night Billy and I wrote our vows, and it was amazing. I'm so crazy in love with that man. I'm also crazy impatient for March 11 to come.

We also went earlier in the day to get our marriage license, so that was fun. Little details suck sometimes, but right now, I feel like they are a sign of very near happiness. Not that I'm lacking any happiness now, but the more little details I have to deal with, the more I know that the time till I'm Mrs. Billy Chia is fast approaching.

Tonight's the HUGE spaghetti dinner at church, and I'm happy about that. I love cooking, but I also like eating food that's been fixed by someone else...especially after I work.

But I'm just getting really boring here...

Time Slips so Quickly Away

So, it's been a while, huh?

Yeah...things are cool here, but hectic, and I have little time to relax anymore. On Billy's accountability sheet at church, there's a place where it asks if he got to have any fun that week. Ithink that's cool. They don't want their staff to get overworked or to put work as an undue priority. So, he's been playing a video game lately to have fun.

I, on the other hand, have not had a ton of time for fun, and it's kinda taking its toll on me. Today, though, I get to go hang out with my bridesmaids and just have some lunch and fellowship.

I'm hoping to go to youth group tomorrow, too. That'll be fun. I haven't been in a few weeks.

SO.....those of you who know me...or have read any of the entries about waiting in between visits with Billy....know that counting down is my way of life. Of course...2 weeks to the day till the wedding. That sounds do-able. I'm particularly thrilled that I had the foresight to schedule student conferences with my students for the week prior to the wedding. This is much less stress than actually teaching for those days. (In case anyone cares...)

Well...I guess I'm out. I do have much to do today, but I have to say...it was fun to sit down and catch you all up.

Can't wait to see some of you at the wedding, and for anyone who never sent me your address....you suck! But you can still come. E-mail me, and I'll hook you up with the info.

Too psyched to stand it

Ah, man... I seriously am in the best mood ever. Billy should be over soon to tell me all about youth group and I totally got my work done a long time ago. So, you know...being bored and all, I got online after the chica was in bed and I totally found my best friend from college. Ouch...okay Jenn...chill.... He was totally my best friend, too. I'm allowed to have different best friends. You're the best friend who tree jumped with me, stood by me while I was pregnant and ashamed, and kept me accountable. He was the best friend who I played music with, talked about philosophy with, hacky-ed with, didn't smoke pot with (Jenn was this best friend, too, by the way), travelled to Jersey with, and foolishly stopped chillin' with due to a lame choice in boyfriends. I've thought about him tons, and I finally found him on myspace. Now, I know that some people believe myspace is the devil, but right now, I'm freaking too psyched to stand it over how godly myspace is. Errr...at least, God can use it, right????

Anyway, he hasn't been on since like November, so I'm just crossin my fingers and actually, I'm saying some prayers, too...cause I totally wanna see what he's up to.

Remember the Victims of Abortion

January is the anniversary of Roe vs. Wade, which legalized abortion on demand. Since then, over 3,000 unborn a day have been killed at the hands of "doctors." But babies aren't the only victims. God will take care of the babies, but the parents continue to live with the memory and pain. Please pray for their healing.

"6 am...day after Christmas.
I put some clothes on in the dark.
Smell of cold...car seat is freezing.
The world is sleeping; I am not.

Up the stairs...to her apartment.
She is balled up on the couch.
Mom and Dad went down to Charlotte.
They're not here to find us out.

And we drive.
Now that I have found someone,
I'm feeling more alone than I ever have before.

She's a brick, and I'm drowning slowly
Off the coast, and I'm heading nowhere.
She's a brick, and I'm drowning slowly.

They call her name at 7:30.
I pace around the parking lot.
I walk down to buy her flowers
and sell some gifts that I got.

Can't you see?
It's not me you're dying for.
Now she's feeling more alone than she ever has before.

She's a brick, and I'm drowning slowly
Off the coast, and I'm heading nowhere.
She's a brick, and I'm drowning slowly.

As weeks went by,
It showed that she was not fine.
They told me, "Son, it's time to tell the truth,"
and she broke down.
I broke down cause I was tired of lying.

Driving back to her apartment.
For the moment, we're alone.
She's alone.
I'm alone.
Now I know it."

--"Brick" by Ben Folds Five

Bleary-Eyed

Oh my freakin' gosh! I am so incredibly tired right now, and I'm probably going to make no sense at all.

I'm at school this morning because the semester started today. It's cool. I was a bit nervous, like always. That just means that I talked too fast, and my students are probably like "what the heck?" But it's cool. I'm awaiting 11:00 so my next batch will come. My first class is full, but my other two aren't, which is nice. I can always connect a little better when there are fewer people in the class. And less papers to grade...duh.

So, we got back from Michigan at like 11:30 last night, I think. Or at least, once I got my stuff out of the car and got ready for bed, that's when it was. 6:00 came too soon.

Michigan was a blast. We did nothing, and I loved every minute of it. Except for the ones when I was cranky over a lack of sleep and other annoying things. I didn't love those minutes, but meeting Billy's brother was super cool. He's just as cool as Billy said. We had some good late night talking, and he called me, "Sis." That was probably the cherry on top of the sundae. Although....I don't actually like those cherries.

Anyway, I also got to meet Flynn, who made a huge impact on Billy's life. Is was really neat to have lunch with him and his wife and hear some of their stories and tell some of ours.

Eve-Marie can't wait to go back. She told us that before we'd even reached Indianapolis.

Kewl.

Montego Bay Sunset

When I don't have the words...

I'm glad someone else did.

"Night breaks.
My heart could not ache anymore.
Am I that easy to ignore?"
--Sixpence

"I don't need anyone.
I don't need anyone.
I don't need anyone to tell me what to feel.
I don't need anyone.
I don't need anyone.
I don't need anyone to hate the world with me."
--Catch 22

"Faded memories ignored,
I crawl across the forest floor.
Pool reflects an orphan child.
Lost, afraid, alone, and wild.
Fatherless and nameless still.
Empty heart and broken.
Will there ever be a place where I belong?

I cower 'neath the monster trees.
I try to stand on tired feet.
Gravity knocks me to the ground.
Where I give up,
Tears roll down.
I claw the dust and beg the end.
Curse the day that I began
To hope there'd be a place where I belong."
--Chris Rice

The Ring

Take a look at the gorgeous ring that my gorgeous fiance got me!

Riddle of the Day

Q. What starts at 7:00 am, tastes like chocolate, but looks like diamonds?

A. A new engagement, Billy and Sarah style.

Yes...for all you who I've been gushing to lately about the amazing man who stole my heart, you can now erupt with me in a long series of applause, screams and (if you're Amanda) "ow, ow"s.

It all started at 7:00. From my bed, I heard an obnoxious sound outside my window. It sound like a dying bear, one that was choking on his recently blessed meal of atheist hiker. I knew immediately that it was actually my knight in his noble steed we call a car. He was exhausted because he couldn't sleep the night before. So, being the considerate girlfriend that I am, I made my love some coffee.

Eve-Marie and I have this advent calendar that we eat chocolate from every day. Yesterday, I offered for Billy to share the candy, but alas! when I opened the box, there was none to be found. A piece of folded paper lay where my dark heaven on earth was supposed to be. I began to curse Starbucks for failing me in my chocolate void. I opened the paper and read the following:

"Sarah, Where's your chocolate? Perhaps in the A: drive of your computer."

What followed was a rigamarole of clues and laughter, mingled, admittedly, with annoyance. Finally, I was directed back to the calendar to look in the box for Christmas Eve. Still no chocolate. Rather, it was carats.

Billy bent to one knee, told me he loves me with all his heart, and asked me to marry him. I nodded.

Chocolate never tasted so good.

w00t!

Score, dood! Seriously. I feel so freakin responsible right now. I totally just did a bunch of work when I was suppossed to. That hasn't happened in....man....forever, basically.

Dewd...do I rawk or what????? ^_^

Forever

Seems like too long since I posted, and I guess it has been almost 2 weeks. These last weeks have been hectic, but also very good.

The end is near, and boi! am I thrilled. It's exciting to see all the work of the semester come together. Like I had this one students who's having a hard time on his last essay, and it was awesome cause I got to praise his hard work up till now. Like, he only needs about a 50% on that essay to pass the class because he worked so hard all semester up till now. He's been putting effort in, and it's nice to see how it actually is rewarding. Then, I have some other students who don't have to take their final because they've earned an "A." So, I don't know. It's just nice to see how it's all coming to completion and how most of my students are getting the point. Some still aren't, and I feel like I failed, but I can't make students learn. I can't make them sit and do their assignments outside of class or make them print it out and bring it. Still, I feel sometimes like I failed to motivate or something.

But Christmas break is coming, and that rawks. I hope to be able to find the money somewhere to dye my hair the fun ways I don't feel are appropriate for teaching. And I'm looking forward to being with Eve and doing things around the house without thinking about the papers that still need grading. Things hanging over my head = mad insanity. I'm looking forward to spending time every day making myself work on getting prepared for school so I'm not so far behind like I was this semester.

I'm looking forward to Christmas Eve at my parents' with a new guest this year. I'm looking forward to Epiphany in Michigan. I'm looking forward to Billy's birthday cause I got him a rawkin present that he'll absolutely adore. Yeah...Christmas break should be good.

And I probably won't write on here again until it starts cause that's just not a responsible thing to do with all the stuff that I have to do for school in the meantime.

Like right now...I need to grade some papers.

I'm out.

God is Good

I had an awesome day today. In part...in large part...due to meeting with a friend to discuss the intricacies of childrearing, relationships, and blessings. We looked at Psalm 37, and I have found a good rival to Matthew 5-7 for my favorite passage. Psalm 37 talks about the benefit of following God, trusting in Him, and remaining faithful in the midst of evil surroundings. It is really a beautiful poem and very encouraging. So, I am reminded that God is good.

Yesterday, I was not having a great day. I was upset over my own personal weaknesses, but today, I was reminded that "Though I may fall, I will not be utterly cast down, for I am in the hands of the Lord." It's hard for me to admit that it's okay to screw up. It's probably even harder for me to admit that the only reason I don't think it's okay is that I'm full of too much pride. But I've come to a point where I realize that my pride is benefitting no one. When I admit my weakness, this is when God can show his strength through me. And God has been showing off lately.

One of the biggest ways, in case no one could tell from previous posts, is just in how things with Billy are transpiring. He is an amazing creation of the deepest Artist. My heart does some insane things when he and I talk--I'm comfortable and peaceful, but somehow stirred with excitement and fireworks. I don't know...it's not like there are really words for love. But God continues to show himself in the depth of connection that we continue to be blessed with.

This week is a good one, I think. I have most of the week off of school, and of course, Thanksgiving will be nice with Billy here. We have a lot to be thankful for.

I'm tired, I guess. So, I shall head to bed.

"And on this road to righteousness, sometimes the climb can be so steep.
I may falter in my steps, but never beyond Your reach."

--Rich Mullins

Up Close and Personal

So, we went to the Jars of Clay concert. I say it that way only because that's how it was advertised. I really bought my ticket so that I could see Donald Miller, author of Blue Like Jazz. He rocked the house. He was completely funny in one of his selections. The other was completely deep.

When he read his works, he read them exactly how I imagined he would from reading his book. He writes in a natural cadence and it's just very appealing. Someday, I want to write how he writes.

We met him after the show, and I have to say, he's very cute...you know, in an overweight beaver-y sort of way. That was mean, I know. I seriously admire the guy like crazy, and it was a privilege to meet him. I wished that we weren't standing in the hallway with other people waiting behind us cause I totally wanted to talk to him about writing. I wanted to know when he started and how, but I'm sure that I know what he'd say anyway cause pretty much everyone starts out the same way. Perserverance is a quality I think I will be developing soon...one way or another.

Down...

I went through the middle of the tornado damage today. It had been closed of for some time, and today was the first time I had reason to enter. I was on my way to the post office, and by the time I got there, I was quiet in my soul. Unbelievable is the only way to describe it. It is hard to write about, and undoubtedly, harder to live in. I have the feeling that I had when 9/11 happened and when I watched The Passion of the Christ. My life is full of blessing, and can I really see anything as an inconvenience again? As I go on buying lamps and mattresses and making plans for fun, some people have no choice but to start over. And some people have no place to start from. I don't know. Words can't capture the grief that entered my heart today. Tears alone can capture that, but as always, they are no where to be found.

I wrote a poem, and you can click here to see it.

Wicked New Store...check it.

I found this most rawkin new store. They have seriously the raddest clothes ever, and like super cute models in their catalogs. Like I guess it's a small company based out of Saginaw of all places (for those unaware...that's where Billy's from), so like you should all support them cause they're local to my boi.

Click HERE for their catalog. The link's kinda finicky, but trust me...it's worth it!

Mission: Almost Accomplished

For everyone who was tired of hearing about my fence...
I officially finished the inside today. Now I just have the outside corner to do.

And I still haven't finished organizing my closet.

But Billy and I have picked out a lovely yellow gold faucet for our first kitchen together...for whatever that's worth.

Sunrises and Flames

I love newness, which perhaps is why I get bored so easily. When something can capture my mind, though, boredom never seems to call.

Billy and I tried to watch a sunrise this weekend. We woke early, while it was still dark. It was also still very cold. Turning onto Ojibway, we found a dock, then sat huddled in our coats that suddenly weren't warm enough. The sunrise never really appeared. We realized after a time that the sky had never shown its angelfire for us to worship over. But the morning came, as it always does, and soon the sky was bright, though overcast.

Our hands were freezing as we got back in his car. And the coffee felt good going down. Our bodies needed heat...some outside source to alter us. Our hearts, though, were warmed already through the growing flames of love.

The Olsen twins...

...or triplets???

My Little Apple Dumpling

The Newest Countdown

One weekend, 2 days of classes, 1 Bible study = total of 6 days.

"I'm always countin down, cuz there ain't no easier way.
Trust me, you know that I tried
And if I said it's easy, then you know I told a lie
I'm gonna be alright;
I'm gonna be just fine."

Mystic Theurge 44% Combativeness, 10% Sneakiness, 58% Intellect, 69% Spirituality

Brilliant and spiritual! You are a Mystic Theurge! Score! You have a prestige class. A prestige class can only be taken after you've fulfilled certain requirements. This may mean that you're an exceptionally talented person, but it probably doesn't. The Mystic Theurge is a combination of a cleric and a mage. They can cast both arcane and divine spells, and are good at both, making them pretty terrifying on the battlefield. They have more raw spellpower than just about any other class. You're both intelligent and faithful, but not violent or deceitful. I guess that makes you a pretty good person.

The Sands of Time

Time continually passes, so why do my days seem to last forever? I miss Billy incredibly right now.

"Down the middle drops one more grain of sand." --Jack Johnson.

I have just a week's worth of sand left until my hour glass can't take any more.

Hoy estaba un dia bueno!

Man! I need more days like today. I don't even know that I can explain how cool it was. We just chilled and stuff, but I also got stuff done. And things were just relaxed, until around 4:30, which is my normal freak out time. But then, I remembered that I forgot to take my stress pill as well as my clear-my-head-of-disorganized-mess pill this morning. I took those and made myself smile at Eve's dinner antics. Finally, they got to me. But it was okay.

We had so much fun. Eve drew that crazy elephant picture today. I was happy cause I knew what it was as soon as I looked at it, even before she was finished with it. I always feel so bad when I say something like, "Oh, is it a butterfly?" and she's all like, "No, it's a rhinoceros." So, usually I just say, "That's so cool. You did a really good job. What is it?" I'm not sure that's much more effective in not crashing her self-esteem, but I'm not sure how else to approach it.

While tucking her in, I was informed that she "agreed with Blake" that they could get married when they're grown-ups, which apparently means 21. She didn't quite know WHY she agreed with him on that. We had a talk about that, obviously. That was hard. How do you teach your 5 year old how awesome a good marriage should be and help her to understand the principle of being worth something without squashing childish play? So, it was light hearted, but I told her that they'd need to wait till they're older to be boyfriend and girlfriend. She was super cute about the whole thing.

Eve's latest Picasso impression.

Classic Evansville

If anyone should want to come visit me, be sure that you ask me to take you to the free market on Stratford Road. Yeah...this is a neighborhood that I drive though on my way to work, and today was the best. Outside of one house, there was a console TV being given away. Three houses down and across the street sat a free toilet. I'm loving this town.

Sunday

So, this was a good Sunday.

Worship was good, and Pastor David gave my favorite comment: "God is not an American. He's not even a Westerner." I can't quite recall how that fit into Eph. 1, but I'm glad that it did. Cause I wish Americans would remember that sometimes.

After church, we went to my parents' house, and I found out that my mom had tickets to the Big Bad Voodoo Daddy concert. It was sweet. For the first hour, the Philharmonic orchestra played. It was good, but I was eager for BBVD to come out. Obviously, the second half of the concert rocked. I was just wishing that I'd had a swing partner cause they told people that the ushers wouldn't stop them from dancing in the aisles.

Eve's Birthday. Blowing out candles is apparently harder than I remembered. Punk Rawk cake by Sarah. Message to my man by Christina.

super

What Ought To Be Typical

Soccer rawks. Weeds and spiderwebs do not.

Saturday freedom is the bomb. Saturday boredom blows me to bits.

It's tempting for me to be downcast. But this is nothing that intentional time with Eve-Marie can't fix, apparently. She totally rawks. And she's an awesome soccer player, too. I'm pretty proud of her cause she really understands the concept of teamwork in a sport. Well, at least to the extent that the 2 of us can be a team (our team name, by the way, is "The Invisible Ghosts"). So, she all knows it's important to pass the ball and receive passes. When we played on opposing teams (and that that point, her team was "The Turtles"), she actually stopped a few of my half-serious attempts to score a goal against her. She's rad.

So, it's 12:25. I have nothing on my schedule today but cleaning out that closet. Errr....I just don't want to start! But I have to, so...so long.

The Eve-Marie Dictionary

Improvising: your confidence is big in...I mean, you do good things. That's improvising.

Northern Lights

So, I guess it's about time I process some that crazy stuff from last week, huh? I guess I haven't yet cause...well, Billy did such a great job on his site.

But I have some other things going on in my mind, too, I suppose. Imagine that...ha...we're different people after all.

So, I feel so lame for not wanting to play by the rules in Michigan. But I feel even lamer for calling Jolyn white trash just because I didn't like the rule. I'm super sorry for that. But fortunately, I'm right there with you cause Michigan has some irresistable force that draws my hand out the window when it's down. So, maybe it's only white trash in Evansville, where MOST things are white trash.

So, yeah...I think other than that one moment, things were completely awesome, and I'm grasping for words besides Billy's to talk about it. No wonder he just lists the highlights. Here's one of my highlights: that words aren't effective...but then they are once you actually use them. Lots of good talking. I'm down. Anytime.

Oh, yeah...I got to see "Two-steppin' Honest" live, so that rocked. I watched the DVD today, as is my Tuesday ritual. It was cool again, as always. But it was even cooler cause I've seen him play it live. Isn't that all cheesy and sappy and lame? Hmmmm.... perhaps I finally have some confirmation that I'm a girl.

Another good thing in Michigan (but this had nothing to do with being IN Michigan) was the fact that all these tears that have been refusing to let go finally let go. It actually started a few days prior to my trip, as I started reading Captivating by John and Stasi Eldridge. It just kept going, which was awesome...the crying, I mean. And then, I got to cry not just over the book, but over real circumstances that actually touched my heart. It was pretty comforting, as is Billy's shoulder.

So, Michigan...the overall verdict is that I love it.
Evansville... it's good to be home, but I'm tired and perhaps a little lonely (but not too much).

Must We Always Pain the Maker?

Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take,
I'll be watching you.

Every single day
Every word you say
Every game you play
Every night you stay,
I'll be watching you.

Oh, can't you see
You belong to me?
How my poor heart aches
With every step you take.

Every move you make
Every vow you break
Every smile you fake
Every claim you stake,
I'll be watching you.

Since you've been gone,
I've been lost without a trace.
I dream at night.
I can only see your face.
I look around but it's you I can't replace.
I feel so cold and I long for your embrace.
I keep calling begging, baby, please.

"Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God." Romans 8:8

Because God cries when He knows where your soul's going--regardless of whether your actions are good or not.

The Day

So, worship today was awesome. Like Sam must've been a super happy person all week to choose the songs that he did for this morning. They were all up beat, and we were all grooving. It rocked my socks.

And the choir sang, and that rocked cause they were all praising Jesus.

And then Pastor David preached, and man! That man speaks truth. That's just all it is. He's so taking our church in the direction God wants it, and it excites me. Today, he talked about evangelism and our testimonies. He asked how many of us shared the news of dropping gas prices with any of our friends this weekend. Of course we did. But how many of us shared the news of Jesus? You know...that news about how we can never earn our way to God, but Jesus being the perfect and loving man-god that he was took the punishment for our sins so that we can get the reward of Heaven. Yeah...you see the point. Conviction.

But always, he reminds us that prayer is the predecessor of any fruitful endeavor and community is the support that everyone needs. I can't wait for my new small group on Wednesday. I am SO there...no matter what. (Please pray that I don't get in a car accident on my way, cause Satan's such a lamer that way...and I'm only halfway joking.)

Yeah...God rox.

I love it when a plan comes together. (And Trish rox)

Fun in the Dark with Cops

So, here's one benefit of insomnia: You get to chill on the street with your boys in blue (or brown, as it were). I had an awesome visit with Paul, the Cop, tonight....err...this morning. He's one of my best friends, and it makes me sad that I never get to see him. Usually, he'll stop by for a couple minutes and tell me about the progress of his house renovation, and then he's off to another call. But when it's 2 am, and I can't sleep, who better to ring up than the law? So, we got a good 1 1/2 visit standing outside, feeling all cool, and leaning on his cruiser. He'll kill me if he ever reads this cause he's such a man's man (seriously!), but he's such a girl sometimes, too. I can talk to him about all my girlie stuff and he just says, "Good for you!" And it makes me feel good.

He thinks Billy is a fine-looking man, but he thought that he's younger than me, to which I took offense.

He also thinks that I've come a long way since we first met about a year and a half ago. I didn't think I was that bad off back then, but apparently, he's super proud of the changes in my life. I have to say, to redeem myself for that "girl" comment up there--Paul was a big reason that I was strong last spring and summer when my job sucked and then I lost it, and Joe was a loser (still is, as far as I know...where the freak's my child support!!!!!!?????). Paul is really awesome at encouraging. He always has positive things to say, and he always looks out for me, too. He's definitely my big brother, but also a really good friend.

Our time together ended with a car speeding down my street and Paul pulling it over from my driveway. After showing mercy by releasing him without a ticket, Paul left to go fight crime. A good time was had by all.

I hope it won't be so long till next time, Gash.

ONE THING

I've heard that Lonliness is here.
It's given and thoughtfully used.
I can only pray that it will make me stronger
When I seem to be confused (courtesy Fredreich Neitszche...or however the heck you spell that)

Well, the night is always dark.
And the dark is still alone.
I have told you over so many times
That I just want to go home.

Baby, you know I've been thinking.
Child, I love you too much to leave.
But when Hopelessness surrounds my nights
My words take off without me.

This one thing I know--
That Time will take its toll.
That two roads are staring me down.
That one road is higher, but hard to walk upon.
And one will make me drown.
And this one thing I've seen--
That the one that's so much higher
Has a hope that's founded in truth.
Tells me I haven't wasted my youth.

These words were dead, unfeeling.
These smiles were pain through tears.
These tears were failed manipulation
Unperfected through the years.

My soul was weak and feeble.
It's love, quickly decreasing.
My dementia broke into my habit
Of a joy that was unceasing.

Liquid Gold

Man... Sometimes life is too much trouble. And then sometimes it's really, really good. I wish I had some of that really good bottled up so I could just pour it out on myself when I'm tempted to wallow.

Not that my life is in the mire or anything. Things are super cool, so I really have no complaints. I just have to be dramatic, I suppose.

Yeah. Things are cool. Cause Billy was here this weekend, and it was awesome. We had fun. We went to a show. We watched the river, went to Seekers and to church. We played hackey sack, and said goodbye. It was cool to be with him again.

It was sad to see him go, and worse to have Monday without him.

But really...I think I'm just as down about how little I do for the causes I support. Like I just read "Blue Like Jazz." (This book now comes highly recommended by me. My seal of approval is on the cover of the latest printing.) But yeah...that book was so incredibly real, and I wanted to marry the guy. Except, I have a suspicion that he's a little overweight and possibly too old for me, and while we're being real, I may as well admit that I have a huge superficial streak in me, and I could never marry someone who was overweight on the wedding day. Cause I don't think that I would ever be able to give him a chance with dating if he were overweight. And let's just face it, you have to be attracted to the man you marry or your wedding night...well....

But that's not the point. The point is that there're are real people starving for whatever they're starving for, and it bothers me, but I still would rather have my Jamaica picture framed than send the $10 to Samaritan's Purse or something. I do not really beat myself up over this picture as much as it sounds on my blog. I love my picture, and it's not a sin to buy a picture frame.

Anyway...if anyone has an idea for the bottled good times, let me know...

I'm out.

New Countdown

NEW COUNTDOWN: 4 down. ZERO to go. (48.5 hrs and counting)

The New Countdown

Three down. One to go.

(You will find what you need in the winter of my published mind.)

Note to Self

A crappy day can always be remedied by a new pair of Vans. My mom totally rox the casbah.

Birthday Wishes

Today has been good. Eve's birthday party was today, and it was quite successful. I have to say that I definately manipulated that by telling her that she was only allowed to invite 5 kids and I... ahem... "encouraged" her with her choice of friend. So, we had a totally mellow party. It rocked for me. At the end, I let the kids run around outside and do whatever they wanted out there. We played some rawkin' games like Slam Dunk contest and a soccer penalty kick game. Then outside after the cake, we played soccer tag, which your truly invented all by myself on the spot. The kids kinda lost interest, but seriously, if anyone ever wants to play it with me...I'm all over that.

So, it was cool doing something just for Eve-Marie and seeing her have a good time with her friends. Sometimes, it's hard to make her the center of my world. So, I was super happy that she was happy today and that she felt special with her punk rawk cake and ice cream. (Yes, I did take pictures.) I'm just happy that she's alive, and for her birthday, I wish her wisdom for life, joy in her heart and an eternal appreciation for good music. Amen.

New Countdown

2 down. 2 to go.

Poignancy of Sixpence

"I wish to quote from Whitman now to show the way I feel about you. Cause it's a 'subtle electric fire' you light in me everytime I see you, so let's dance again in this field of flowers we're in."

"I guess you could say I'm a little afraid. What if you go away?"

"And I'll admit that I do not try when it's easier to sit down and cry. I'm so full of doubt--wanna let it out, let it out all over you."

"Is it all inside my head? Is it all inside my head? I view the list and take my pick. I view my fate and make the choice cause it's nobody else's but mine."

"Don't worry about tomorrow. He's got it under control. Just trust in the Lord with all your heart and He will carry you through."

"But tension is to be loved when it is like a passing note to a beautiful, beautiful chord."

The New Countdown

One down. Three to go.

School Rules

School is now in session! Woo-hoo. No, seriously. It's awesome. But this is coming from me, a teacher, and I think that things definately look different from my side of the podium than from the students.

Regardless, today has been really, really good so far. It's been fun to see who's in my classes and to try to help them feel unintimidated by the oh so scary process of writing. It is a really intimidating thing for a lot of people to be critiqued on their communication methods, so I think one of my biggest obstacles as a teacher is to help them realize that they really can do what they have set out to do.

But yeah...school is cool. Stay in school.

Here's something I overheard a co-worker of mine saying: Life is just a chair of bullies. I haven't decided yet if that's funny or lame.

So, today...slept in late cause Eve and I were up for an hour last night when she had bloody noses. Poor little thing. I feel so bad for her. She's such a sweet heart, though. Like she came up and knocked on my door in the middle of the night and was all, "Mom, I think my nose is bleeding." I could barely even hear here since I was unconscious at the time, and she didn't even raise her voice.

But then, we went to Trish's and helped her get some things done around the house so that it can sell more easily. I hope it doesn't, though. hahah. Well, I know that it's important for them to move. I just know that I'll miss her and her family like crazy. But somehow, Mary and I will take a road trip up there, definately. So, yeah...just fun things to do like washing walls and scraping up caulking and then experimenting with new caulk and making fun of ourselves all the while. Good times had by all, and great lunch, too.

After, I got home, I worked out and then rewarded myself with watching the Billy Chia DVD. Well, the first couple of songs anyway. I figured this was a better reward than, say, a yummy ice cream something or other, which was definately sounding good in the hot weather. But I'm a typical American in that I think everything I do should be rewarded, so in order to motivate myself to workout, I figured I wouldn't let myself watch Billy's DVD unless I work out on my scheduled day. So far, it seems to be working.

Then, I mowed the lawn, which was probably unwise for my health's sake, cause it was hot and my muscles are totaly overworked now, but I wanted to be able to take tomorrow for a Sabbath, and my lawn was getting to that "white trash" stage, so it had to be done today.

And this is my exciting life.

I've been thinking a lot about fears and relationships and friendships and eternity and PMS and the very appealing past. I forget the hurtful past, except for how it translates into fear for the present.

Things are kinda crappy here right now (and by here, I mean only in my own attitude), but I won't go into for fear of working into a super bad mood.

Feelin' Good

Man! It feels really good to actually get stuff done for a change. All summer's been super cool cause I've become an expert at being lazy. It's not been super cool cause I've been down on myself about not doing anything. Today, though, was good. I worked and worked and got together with a friend whom I haven't seen in a long time, and I worked some more. Then, I listened to my phone messages and had a friend call asking if I wanted a job. So, we'll see. It should be pretty nice to have a schedule again.

School starts next week, and I'm getting pretty psyched. The first coupla weeks are a breeze cause it's just some laid back reviewing going on. The hardest part, I guess, is convincing the students that they really should answer my questions...outloud. But after a fun ice breaker (no, really...they do exist...), we get talking and all's well.

Awesome. I want to take a trip to Chicago this weekend, but then I remember that gas is like a million bucks a gallon. Well, it's close. Let's see...it's nearly $2.50, so that'd be $150 in Jamaican money. Yeah... I feel pretty cool having a $100 bill sitting around my house from my trip. Too bad it would barely buy a pack of gun. Anyway, during my quiet time today, I told God that I'd try really super hard to break my habit of buying things that I really shouldn't. Not so much things that I can't afford, cause I don't really do that anyway. But just things that I shouldn't buy. Things that aren't necessary, at least until I see how this school year's finances are going and stuff. So, blech... the step to rock stardom will have to wait (sorry, Jenn...but I will totally come up sometime. I'll just have to wait until I actually save money for the gas).

Yeah.

When the Weather Gets Better...

So, today, I wore jeans! First time in months. It felt really, really good to have my legs covered.

Ode to Two Dead Hamsters

I found you in your plastic home,
As I came back to mine.
This was where you romped around
And slept away your time.
This is where the flies hung out
When I forgot to clean your cage.
And this is where we sometimes watched
The passing of your days.
You looked so peaceful as I passed.
I thought you were just sleeping.
But then a closer, chilling look
Told me you were not breathing.
So I broke down to tell the child
Of your eternal end.
She did not weep; she did not find
The news to be a burden.
Still hearts wore hard as I dug your grave.
The act was paralyzing.
But I can see the cycle of life,
For now you're fertilizing.

++Please take a moment of silence for the bravest and most ill-treated hamsters in America, Butterscotch and Feisty Fudge. They were annoying to feed and smelly to keep in the house, yet who would have ever wished such a death on them? We are just so glad that they died at, presumably, the exact same time, so neither of them faced the grief of losing the other. It's hard to accept this loss of life, but we know they are in a better, more convenient place. Thank you for all your flowers, cards, prayers, love and support to our family in this difficult time. May you each experience the community that you've showed to us. Buddha bless you.++

Totally Quotable

"Without understanding Grace, Christianity just looks like a bunch of rules and religion and a pain in the neck." --Pastor David Niednagel, Christian Fellowship Church, Evansville, IN

I'm so techno-saavy

So, it's all fixed. Anyone can now post comments on my blog (theoretically).

On the downside, everytime I look at it, it just shows 0 comments, even on the post that now has 3 comments. So, sorry, Beth, that I didn't know you wrote to me. (Thanks, though, cause I totally want to hear from you girls!) I set up my blog to send me an e-mail now whenever someone comments.

You'll just hafta excuse my internet illiteracy. I'm just a Romantic, and I'd rather use a typewriter in candlelight. But I live in the 21st century, so I'm cursed to have electricity. ;)

I've also put up a bunch of pix from Jamaica and from Billy's visit. So, check those out, cause they're awesome...

My Cutiepie

The hottie himself

Me and Billy

Flee to Something Deeper

There's a risk in life that you might find purpose, and I think that this risk scares me. But it's a fear like the kind that maybe comes when someone approaches a skydive looking for an adrenaline rush.

My visit with Billy was amazing. It was just cool to see him laugh and to watch him play his guitar and to have him smile when he watched me play my guitar and to sing with him. (I'm starting to get all sappy, and I apologize in advance.) There's something intensely deep about worshipping God with one guitar and two harmonizing voices in your living room. I can't even begin to comprehend (let alone explain) what that meant.

But our visit wasn't all about intensity, even though I could probably sit here and make every second of it seem like the most melodramatic, Romantic (with a capital "R") two days in history. But that wouldn't be fair, and it wouldn't be accurate. Life isn't about melodrama; it's about real relationships. And real friendship can't survive on pure intensity for very long. Friendships need humor, too, and the fact that ours has that in close proximity to intensity is incredible.

Plus, I have a rejuvenated love for downtown Evansville...except for the butterflies that look like Elvis. Those are just weird.

And you all thought I was crazy when I said something about butterflies looking like Elvis in downtown Evansville. Ha!

The Countdown

1 day, 17 hours

So, today was awesome, despite the fact that my sleep last night was interrupted twice by Eve's bloody noses. I swear, you'd think that she was cracked in the face last week by some hyper child's head or something, the way this thing keeps bleeding. I am a little bit worried about it, but we made it through the rest of today without incident, which was good cause this way the day rocked.

We went to Patoka Lake today cause my dad's company rented a shelter and some cabins, and I guess several of the guys he works with own boats. So, we got there and went on some dude's pontoon boat. I was less than thrilled with this because I went there for water sports, not for some lame pontooning. But apparently, this is the pontoon boat of the 21st century, cause it totally kicked butt. Once we got out of the marina, this boat totally flew. So, we messed around on the intertube a little bit, which was fun. But it was no challenge at all. So, soon, we got out the kneeboard, which is about 1000% more fun and probably about that challenging, too. Well, getting the strap velcroed tightly around your knees is the challenging part. Once you're up and riding, it's just plain fun. But my arms were sore for a few hours afterward. I swear I need to find some friends that have some boats so I can get in a good workout every weekend. That was the best, most fun workout I've had in a while.

But now the day's over, and I'm trying to load everything back in the closet that I painted a few days ago. My brother built my shelves in there, so I now have somewhere to put everything that was crowding my family room.

Countdown: 2 days, 18 hours.

One great thing about being back from Jamaica and seeing the beginning of school in the horizon is that I'm getting really good at actually getting some things done around here. I've only had the goal of organizing my closet on my mind all summer. But anyway, I finally started. Yesterday, I cleared it out and painted it. Today, I don't know...I might put shelves up or I might just load everything back in and do the shelves sometime when I have some help. But it's nice to have a chunk of it out of the way.

This morning, my quiet time was cool. I started reading Esther yesterday after talking to Billy on Wednesday night. He totally inspired me. Anyway, reading was good, and the lesson that I'm getting out of the book is that God not only takes care of his people no matter what (Es. 4:14), but He also makes it well known (Es. 6:13). So, I'm challenged in my own life: How much do I boast in the things that God does for me? What am I doing to spread the fame of His name?

Tomorrow, my family is going to Patoka lake for some company picnic, and I'm all psyched cause I absolutely love water.

Stereotype Orphan

Eve in the Bus

Chantel Sniffs

Sticker Face (layout by Glenton Smith)

The Troublemaker

America, the Beautifully Materialistic

So, coming back from Jamaica. Hmmm...unfortunately much easier than I would have liked. I miss my boys down there, definately, but getting back into an American lifestyle is a lot simpler than I hoped it would be. I guess I hoped that seeing poverty daily and realizing that I am so blessed would have helped me give a second thought to whether or not I really need to have new shelving in my closet or a pretty sunset picture over my couch (as you can easily guess, I decided that they are both quite necessities...how lame.). I guess this will be my earthly struggle for who knows how long. On the one hand, I totally feel for the boys in Jamaica, but on the other hand, I'm so well aware that material possessions aren't what make or break a person. So, while I feel bad for them, I only feel bad for them in a spiritual sense. Are they certain that God loves them? Do they understand what the cross means? If they can answer those questions in the affirmitive, then it doesn't really matter what they have or what I have.

Cause sometimes, I just think...you know, God didn't allow me to live in America so that I couldn't use air conditioning. Yes...this has been at the front of my mind cause it's freaking HOT here. Jamaica isn't hot like this. It's more humid there, I guess, but it's in the 80s there and it's in the 100s here. So, why shouldn't I spend my money on being comfortable? (Wow! Do I sound like I'm trying to convince myself of something or what!) Seriously, isn't air conditioning and living in America a blessing from God, too?

But regardless, I want desperately to go back to live in Jamaica for a longer time than one week. I have to have faith that God will use whatever I can give because there are serious doubts in my mind as to what was actually accomplished there in one week. But I know that God continues to work beyond the human effort. I just wish that I could be there to see it. So, I want to return sometime in the not too distant future. Maybe I'll rent my own place so that I don't have to share a house with 41 other people. And I'll go visit my precious friend, Glenton Smith and see his smile and tell him everyday that I love him and God loves him.

In the meantime, I just pray about it. And obviously, I spend money on myself cause it's the American way. But Jamaica is in my heart, and I think that it will be for a long time to come.

(pix to come soon)

Ain't too soft

So, God totally rocks. Or as my mom would've said circa 1997, "God rocks 'n' rules!" Sweet. Parents are weird. Except me. I'm not weird...I'm, uh, eccentric. Yeah. That's right.

Anyway, God totally rocks. Like this trip we're going on was all $14,000 in the hole, and now we only need $4500. In two days! That's insane. But you know...God's ways aren't our ways. And the people involved in the trip wanted the money 2 weeks ago. But how much faith do ya hafta have if you got the money 2 weeks ahead of time, am I right? Well, it was a lesson in trust. And it was also a lesson in making it through a couple days without antacids. heheh... Of course, I actually kinda like Pepto Bismol. It's quite tasty. And I'm not even joking.

I remember a year ago, when I found out all this disgusting stuff about this person who was previously very close to me, I had a perpetual upset stomach and was totally downing bottles of the pink stuff. I thought it was good. The situation sucked, but I love the man who invented pepto bismol. I totally want to marry him. Uh...but if it was a woman, I'll just give her a big thumbs up!

So, I'm in a happy mood cause I'm super excited about going to Jamaica. I'm really looking forward to seeing God work, and I'm only slightly nervous about leading the singing. I figure that God will stretch me, and that'll be good cause then I can come back to the good U.S.A. and get up in front of people and sing and then fulfill my dream to be a rock star. Yeah...I'm sure that's the exact plan on God's mind.

Well, anyway. Today: Stained most of the outside of my fence. Worked. Typed lyrics of praise songs for Jamaica. Went to my parents to watch Dr. Phil, but it was a re-run...all about moochers.

Later.

Living High on the Moonshine Hog

Okay, so why is it that people who like bad music also like it loud? Especially when it's bad bluegrass (and yes, as a matter of fact, there is good bluegrass http://www.alisonkrauss.com )Man! I know I shouldn't complain. The only reason I had to endure 3 hours of crappy music was because I got a last minute painting job and made money to replace my child support that never came. So, actually, despite the music, it was actually great. A good ending to a great day.

It started like any normal Sunday at church. Worship was awesome. And my pastor preached about David and Bathsheba. He was totally hardcore about honesty and about addictions and pornography, which I thought was awesome. And he also talked to women about being sure that we're dressing modestly. That can be pretty hard, but girls are worth so much more than they think they are.

Probably the highlight of the day was that today was NATIONAL ICE CREAM DAY! Yeah! So, I have this really good friend who's an ice cream addict, and she and her daughter were more than happy to celebrate it with us. They're funny cause they don't even care if it's ice cream day or not...they're straight up addicted, I swear. But we're not, so we needed this perfect excuse to indulge. Mmmmmm....coffee ice cream and chocolate syrup....yummy yumm yumm. Although I think I'm gaining weight right now just by thinking about it. (And yes, as a matter of fact, that is possible...some sorta chemical thing going on in your body...)

Tomorrow I get to watch my favorite little girl (other than my daughter) and then go talk about Jamaica with a bunch of other Jesus freaks and then talk to someone amazing on the phone. I'm looking forward to that. :)

An Experiment in Fasting and Prayer

Today was insane...like as in God is totally amazing it's insane. I had my first successful day of fasting and prayer. And I hesitate to write about it cause I'm not all trying to be boastful, like look at how holy I am cause I fasted. Actually, I gave up on fasting for appearances a long time ago. When you do that, it never works anyway. The way I alway experienced it was that I spent all day thinking about how hungry I was that I never had a chance to pray anyway. And really, who wants to not eat if you're not gonna get that benefit of prayer to compensate?

No, see, I actually fasted cause for the first time I felt called to do it. I've had a bunch of stuff thrown at me lately. Mainly, God did some amazing things in me concerning relationships. All kinda of relationships: my relationship with Him, with my friends, with my family (particularly my father), with my neighbors, and with a certain awesome somebody that I've never even met before.

I think what surprised me the most about today was the certainty I have as I end my day and prepare to go on with life as usual...although I'm not altogether convinced that I want to do that. But the thing is that everything I prayed about today has been in my prayers for weeks. Today, though, I have answers.

I broke my fast with dinner at Culver's, which is usually awesome, but today, it gave me a tummy ache. I think that eating Chocolate Peanut Crisp custard was a little over the top for not eating all day. It sounded so good on the menu, but right now...well, it makes me wanna puke.

Anyway, I feel rejuvenated (and oil-free!). I think things are gonna be cool for a while, and when they're not again...I think I understand what I need to do.

Peace.

New songs...

So, I'm hoping to have some songs up on here soon, assuming that geocities will start working and that my connection isn't too slow to upload the files.
But anyway...below are the lyrics to the ones I've recorded.

COMPROMISED

I'm so tired
Of feeling sorry for myself
I'm so restless here in America.
I'm so tempted
To leave everything I know,
To just get up and go.

I need a reason to stay,
To not leave everything behind,
To make it through today
Not wond'ring what happened to my life.
This isn't where I thought I would be.
This isn't where I wanted to be.
This isn't where I hoped I would be--
Compromised.

I was so sure...
But I've come here unprepared.
I'm so wasted and feeling so alone.
I'm so sickened
By the world I see around me.
But it's all I have found.


--No Title Yet--

You can't stop running away,
But who are you running to?
You have to get away
To find yourself anew,
But who are you?
Yeah, who do you think you are?
And when did this impression on your mind
Become more than He who called?

So, you're scared of losing all you hold?
I think you're scared of growing old
And finding you're still alone.

You find an empty road
And an empty tomb beside.
Are you washed out in the blood,
Or tossed out in the tide?
Well, which way is up?
Yeah, how much freedom do you possess?
And where does freedom get you, anyway,
If your heart is still a mess?
Will you ever find success?

Cut The Rope

Cut the rope
That's tying me down
And leaving me lonely
In this distant town.
I've been waiting for you too long.
You never come around,
So why are you tying me down?
Cut the rope.

You do well to glorify yourself.
Just the same, only a fool would think
You are the one who's pulling me higher
Or you are the water my thirsty heart drinks.
Well, it was just your imagination.
You're creative and I'll give you that.
But I can't live on potential earnings
And dreams of Cadillacs.

I never asked for much--
Just a little love from you.
All you had to say was "You're special to me."
And "Where you are, I want to be too."
But it was just my imagination
Dreaming that you'd come through for me.
Always dreaming of the future
That one day we'd be a family.

Moving On

Each time you speak--
Did you think I'd want to listen,
As you shred me to pieces
With your sorry monologue?
What did you think I'd say
When you asked me to reply?
Did you think I'd passively lie by?

Ain't feeling sorry.
I'm not the one that's killing you.
I won't apologize.
You're not the one I answer to.
Well, I'm distracted by my lack of care.
That's why I left you there
Where you've been living too long.
I'm moving on.

I don't owe you an explanation.
My silence says all I'll say.
You don't listen, anyway.
Each time you cry--
I want to bury you in your grave.
Did you think I'd want you here
To root me in my fear?

I don't want you,
And you think that no one wants you
And you threaten suicide.
Well, I'm done now.
I'm moving on somehow
From my attempts to rectify.
If you die...
It's only you who dies.

To my boy in da hiz-ouse

Billy, this one's for you kid. Once I get all aquainted, I'll get you some random songs and perhaps a present tense photo. Perhaps.

Contact Form

Please scroll down to enter your message.

Name:
Email Address:
Subject:
Message for Sarah:

About Page

As of 6.16.08
I'm a normal person. I don't have those quirks that readers find eccentrically charming. I don't collect anything. I have no OCD necessity to open and close my silverware drawer three times when I need a fork. I don't organize my socks in a certain way. I'm just me. I'm just a normal person.

I have a normal family without a lot of dysfunction. In fact, we're pretty darn functional. And we're proud of that.


My husband, Billy, is the hottest worship pastor in the world. His blog rocks, too, and you should check it out. But only after you check mine out. ;)

We have two daughters. Eve is 8 and a professional handstander. Ashlyn is 2 and getting into everything... in a good way.

We live in America, and we question daily what Christianity in the suburbs should be about. We are learning to live in our new identity in Christ and put our confidence in Him alone. I'd love for you to subscribe to my RSS feed or to subscribe by e-mail to find out more about these journeys.

So, now you know me.